


Lights Will Guide You Home

by daysofyou



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: AU, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Artist Clarke, CEO Lexa (The 100), Clarke Griffin/Lexa Smut, Clarke and Lexa AU, Endgame Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Eventual Smut, F/F, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Healing, Lexa and Aden are siblings, Love, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Modern Setting Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Protective Lexa, anya and lexa are best friends, clexa au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-01-29 19:42:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12637872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daysofyou/pseuds/daysofyou
Summary: Clarke's life fell apart, and she found herself falling deeper and deeper into this hole of depression that she can't find her way out of. Finn cheated on her, her best friends move away, her father is dead, she gets dropped from art school, and her boss fired her just in time for her to lose her apartment. She's done. That's how she finds herself standing on the side of Azgeda bridge. But then she's saved by a miracle. A miss Lexa Woods, wealthy CEO Extraordinaire. Clarke recovers in time and Lexa is with her every step of the way. Neither of them truly expect to fall so madly and deeply in love with each other.





	1. When You Try Your Best But You Don't Succeed

**Author's Note:**

> Just going to put TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE INSINUATIONS AND MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES in this chap. This is going to be a wild ride but I promise it is going to be filled with so much love and healing. And it's going to be filled to the brim with Clexa clexa clexa! I'm so happy I'm finally starting this and I really hope you all stick with me and enjoy it. I think I really need to write this for myself as well. So first chap down, and many more to come! Kudos and comments make me so happy and make me feel loved. Tell me whatcha think :)

She’s had her fair share of disappointment throughout the last year. In fact, it had been more then that. As each thing happened, one after the other, she slipped further and further down into the dark hole she never wanted to fall into. After everything, she was so close to disappearing. To being swallowed up by her own grief, apathy and shadows. She was far from done saving herself from it. But really, the last straw was when she got a knock on her door on a chilly early December morning. 

She rubbed at the heavy bags under eyes as she tripped over her bed sheets and padded her way down the tight hallway to the front door where a persistent knocking resided and echoed through the quiet one bedroom flat. She grumbled in annoyance at the intrusion of her sleep. It was still rather dark outside from the heft abundance of dark clouds in the sky, and the light snow fell in a windy spiral outside her glass door, covering the rotting balcony in powdery white ice. She just wanted to lay in bed. She wanted to sleep until she woke up in a different day. She just wanted to forget. 

It wasn’t an easy thing to forget, it seems. 

She swung the door open, glare still evident on her face when she saw who stood behind it. Truly, she knew this day had to be coming. 

“Miss Griffin,” the man nodded at the disheveled twenty three year old with a forced smile. “May I come in?”

“Do I have a choice whether you do or not?” Clarke snarled but held the door open wider despite her desires. 

The man stepped in with a gust of frigid air following him, making the goosebumps rise on Clarke’s arms. She hurriedly shut the door and followed the older man into the mess of her apartment. She could see the distasteful look on his face with his back turned. 

“You haven’t paid rent in three months, Miss Griffin,” He had said once he turned to her. “I gave you another chance the first month because you didn’t have the money then and you’re the only one in these complexes who isn’t loud.” 

Clarke folded her arms over her chest defensively and decided not to pride herself on not disturbing her neighbors. It wasn’t a thing to be rewarded for. It was common courtesy. Common sense. 

“But, I have to draw the line. Have you got the rent money now? If so, I can take it and we can forget about it and go about our merry lives.” 

Clarke bit her lip and dug hair nails into the flesh of her arm before shaking her head. She knew the old man wouldn’t want to hear her sob story. He wouldn’t do anything about it either. He would think she was just spouting excuses. And really, she supposed that’s what she would’ve been doing. But she couldn’t change anything. She couldn’t save herself this time. 

 

“No.”

The silence would’ve hung thick in the small apartment if it wasn’t for the thick gusts of wind blowing against the windows, shaking the walls. It was just a reminder of what she’d surely have to deal with soon. She wouldn’t have a place to live anymore. She would be stuck in the cold all alone. 

“Well, Clarke you’re a talented woman. Anyone could get another job and-”

“Dante, don’t sugarcoat it. Please. Spare me the pity and just get on with it.” 

Clarke’s words made the old man frown but he knew she was right. There were buyers and Clarke was past her lease, not having paid a single dime in three months. He had his own job to do, and he wouldn’t be doing it correctly if he gave the girl another chance. Especially when she wasn’t so eager for it or held any promise she would be able to pay soon. 

“You have to be out by the tenth,” He sighed and rubbed the back of his wrinkled neck awkwardly. 

“That’s in eight days,” Clarke stated in a tired voice. 

“I know. I suggest you call some friends or family and find yourself somewhere to stay,” Dante forced another smile before walking himself to the door. 

“And I suggest you keep your fuck for all suggestions to yourself when no one asks for them,” Clarke grumbled as she gripped the side of the front door and stared at the shocked old man stepping out of it. 

She instantly felt bad. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault but hers. She let herself get to this point. She let herself lose everything she had. This old man was just doing his job, and had even let her stay past her time out of the kindness of his heart. She just couldn’t help her own bubbling anger that settled within her. Lashing out at him was wrong. She was always wrong nowadays. 

“I’m sorry, Dante. I know you’re just doing your job, I just-” She paused. “I just don’t know where I’ll go.” 

This time the old man’s smile seemed genuine. Genuine and sad. 

“I wish the best of luck to you, Miss Griffin.” 

He turned his back and strolled down the stairs and into the cold. Clarke stood there letting the sting of the wind lap at her skin as she watched him until he was no longer in view. The door clicked shut quietly and she pressed her back against it. She was sliding down until she hit the floor when the sobs wracked her body. She had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. She had nothing and no one. She only had herself. And she realized she couldn’t stand herself. Not anymore. She’s gone on like this too long without any sort of motivation or ambition. She was done. Her last nerve had been struck. It didn’t surprise her that she only felt numb at the realization. That’s all she’s felt the entire end half of the year. Numb. 

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

It all truly started on that cold night in the beginning of the year. January with it’s heavier snow and it’s white brightness when everyone just wanted to be holed up in the dark. Clarke hadn’t though. She loved the bright snow coating the ground. She loved the cold turning her nose red, and the cozy sweaters and warm scarves. It was the beginning of the year and Christmas had just passed but it was still snowy. She loved the snow because she knew the world would regain color again when it went away. So why not enjoy it while it was there? 

Her optimism was a big part of why everyone loved to be around her. Sure, she could be a grump sometimes just like anyone could. But she always chose to see the good in everything. She was always the voice of reason in her friend group, and she could even make strangers smile. She was a bubbly ball of light. She was happy. 

She was also very committed to a high school sweetheart who thought she was working late. She just wanted to surprise him. She just wanted to bring home his favorite pizza and a case of beer and relax. So she did. But what she knew about him was that when he was focusing on something, he couldn’t seem to pay attention to anything else. That was why he didn’t hear the jingling of Clarke’s keys when she unlocked his front door, or hear it close shut. That’s why he didn’t smell the mouthwatering aroma of four cheese pizza. He heard his name being whispered in his ear over and over too much to hear Clarke’s inquisitive holler from the living room. He didn’t hear his bedroom door being opened. But he did hear the choked gasp once the doorknob hit the wall. He heard the shuffling of the sheets as the red headed woman below him scrambled to cover herself. He heard the rushed footsteps as she disappeared. And that time, he heard the front door slam shut. 

She remembered not hearing him chase after her. He didn’t even call after her or try to give her a bullshit excuse. He did nothing to stop her from leaving. And it was good of him that he didn’t. She probably would have punched him. She didn’t even really look at the woman. But she could tell she was beautiful. She looked a bit older. Rich maybe. She didn’t even look sorry. And neither did her companion. She didn’t want to think about what they were doing after she left. She didn’t want to think about Finn at all ever again.

She ended up at Octavia’s that night. Dripping tears on the cooled pizza, but eating it anyways, and talking about how she would find someone so much better than that cheating dickhead who didn’t appreciate her enough anyways. That she would be better off. She fell asleep in her best friend’s arms that night not knowing she’d eventually lose her too. She’d lose everyone she ever cared about. 

 

It went downhill from that night. She didn’t expect to have her entire life fall apart all within the span of a few months. The first few months of the year. The year she thought she’d grow as an artist and find herself more. But she found herself in clubs drinking away her thoughts, bringing home random men and women, and getting rid of them come morning. It became such a routine that seemed to help her forget for her heartbreak. But when she wasn’t doing it, she had to feel it. She had to feel the heavy weight in her chest pressing down onto her ribs and hear the metaphorical shattering of her heart each time the images of Finn with another woman in their bed. So she forgot about her college assignments. She stopped painting. It really surprised her that she got low enough that she didn’t paint. Usually whenever she felt pain, she took it out creatively. She let the hurt reside in the colors on the canvas. Let it all take place in a landscape or humanity. But that all seemed to stop. She couldn’t even look at her canvas without feeling ache. 

So once Octavia nearly stopped Clarke from falling from a balcony on the upstairs floor of a famous club in town, she stopped drinking and having mindless sex with strangers. She hid in her room every day instead. She slept so much, the days blended together, and her head grew heavier and heavier each time she opened her eyes, only to shut them again right away. 

Her art scholarship was lost and she was no longer a student at Polis U. She received a letter one day when she actually had gotten out of bed and got dressed, thinking she could maybe salvage what she had left and try to pick herself up enough that she could continue her schooling. She ended up burning the letter in a fire barrel that some raggedy men huddled over, warming their hands and gawking at her. She gave them five dollars each and they blessed her. Deemed her the angel she looked like. She went to the club one last night and went home sober and alone. 

Octavia broke the news to her a month later that she and her boyfriend Lincoln were moving to France. That he got a job there and she always dreamed of being romanced near the Eiffel Tower. That she would come back and visit so often that Clarke would forget she moved halfway across the world. They left a month after that and their other friend Raven went with them. Clarke was alone. She still had her father. Until she didn’t. 

Jake had always been a free driver but safe nonetheless. He had always been so alert even when he was lost in conversation. He was always cautious and knew his surroundings. But that didn’t stop a semi losing control and swerving to the other side of the road. The crash was head on. Jake Griffin died instantly. Clarke had never cried so much in her entire life. Abby hadn’t shed a single tear. She was too shocked and numb to feel anything less.

After the funeral, Abby disappeared to Brazil without so much as a goodbye to Clarke. Clarke went back to her apartment and forced herself to go to work until her heart weighed her down too much and she started being late to her shifts and then not going altogether. Octavia called her whenever she could, promising to visit as soon as she could. Crying over the phone with her until it was five in the morning in America because neither of them could believe Jake was gone. Octavia and Clarke had been best friends since they were six years old. Jake was like a dad to Octavia too. They grieved on opposite sides of the world and called each other every day until days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. 

Clarke lost her job. It was just a measly waitress job at a hole in the wall diner, but it was paying the bills and keeping a roof over her head. She often times got tipped from the courteous amount of cleavage she spouted. But then she showed up with all buttons done and they stopped. Then she didn’t show up altogether and she was fired. Fired. Nothing left. Sure, she could possibly get another job. But she didn’t feel it was worth it. She didn’t feel like anything was worth it anymore. 

 

Nothing was worth it. Nothing was worth it. Nothing was worth it. 

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

This is how she found herself gripping the rail on the side of the large bridge connecting her town to the next. Her back pressed against the fencing as she leaned forward, seeing the deep waters below her. Her heart was racing but she wasn’t scared. She wanted it. She could feel her fingers growing numb from the cold. Light snow fell and collected on her blonde head. Cars zoomed past. Some honked. Some sped up. The water roared beneath, and soon the blood was rushing to her head and all she could hear was her heartbeat. Fast and pounding. She was dizzy. She was leaning too far. She knew now that there was no going back. Her feet were slipping, her fingers were numb, letting go of the cold rail. She was falling. 

But then she wasn’t. 

There was a strong, warm grip on her biceps, tugging her up, pulling her in. She opened her eyes and the first thing she saw was green. Big green eyes looking back at her. Forests and emerald necklaces and the old bird she had when she was a child. So green. So mesmerizing. Then she saw pink, plump lips. They were moving. Saying something that Clarke couldn’t quite hear yet. She squeezed her eyes shut until the cars zooming past and the soft yet panicked lilt of a voice filled her ears. The words finally registered in her brain. 

“Grab onto me! Please!” The woman yelled over and over as she tugged with all of her might. So Clarke did. She didn’t think she could refuse a voice like that. So calming even in times of panic. So smooth and warm. God, she was so cold. 

With her numb fingers, it was hard to grip onto the stranger, but she succeeded after a few tries, and next thing she knew, her back was on the cement and her head was no longer spinning. Her chest heaved and her eyes searched the endless sky of stars above her. Looking for her strength. Her reason. But then a face- a beautiful face, was leaning over her. Eyes so green, so worried. Soft hands were cupping her cheeks, warming them up. Clarke was in total shock. 

But then it all came flooding back. The reason she was even on this bridge in the first place. It was her choice. It should’ve been her choice. She was upset and angry. Before she knew it, she was standing on her own two feet and the stranger before her got up as well, looking at her as if she knew her their entire lives. As if she did the right thing. Clarke didn’t think she had. 

“Why didn’t you let me fall? God, you’re just a complete stranger. Why do you even give a fuck whether I live or die? Huh?” Clarke’s anger took the stranger aback for a mere second until a stoic front filled her chiseled, beautiful face. 

“You would’ve regretted it if I’d let you fall. You would’ve wanted another chance.” 

“Yeah well, I didn’t. How would you know anyway?” 

The stranger winced and Clarke felt the guilt seep into her chest. Maybe the woman had her own experience with it. She felt something for once in months. An unpleasant feeling, but still something. What the hell?

“You are going to be angry but I know one day you will be thankful.” The woman nodded at her own words and clasped her hands together. “I can take you home if you’d like.” 

Clarke almost told her right away that she no longer had a home. She had nowhere to live. Nothing to do but wallow nowhere. But she didn’t. Instead, she played on the one thing she was feeling. She let the conversation go. She let it gnaw her numbness. 

“How do you know that I wouldn’t just try again?” 

“Because I’d stay with you,” The woman replied without a single ounce of hesitance. 

“And you think I’d just automatically let a stranger stay with me all night?” Clarke bristled. 

“A stranger who saved your life. And it’s either that or I’ll take you to the hospital. You're not dying tonight or anytime soon. Start accepting that.” 

Clarke flinched at the thought of being taken to a hospital. Hospitals reminded her of her mother. The famous surgeon of Arkadia. The mother who left her to grieve over her father’s death on her own. The one human being Clarke just wanted to be held by. 

The stranger could practically hear Clarke’s thoughts, so her tone softened and she reached her arm out to softly rub the blonde’s arm. She was surprised she didn’t flinch away. 

“Look, I won’t take you to the hospital okay?” The brunette said softly. “But I won’t leave you alone. Not unless you have anyone I can take you to?” 

Clarke shook her head. “I don’t.” 

Lexa nodded in understanding. 

“Come on.”

Lexa led her to a parked Maserati on the side of the road just a few feet before the bridge. Clarke’s jaw dropped. That was one expensive car. Who in the hell had her savior actually been? 

She didn’t complain when the woman opened the passenger door for her. She slowly slipped inside and marveled at the leather seats. The heat had been left on too, so she instantly sighed and felt her limbs regain feeling. The snow was starting to pick up outside, coming down in thicker flakes that stuck to the dry, cold ground. She hated to admit it, but she was already somewhat thankful for the woman who grabbed her before she could clash with the ice cold water of the Azgeda river. 

The woman slid into the driver’s side and slammed her door shut, balking at the frigid cold on the outside. She put the car in drive, and they were off. Clarke closed her eyes at the warmth seeping into her body and felt it all the more in her seat. She looked up at the woman in confusion. 

“Heated seats,” The brunette winked. “I’m Lexa by the way.” 

“Clarke,” the blonde whispered. 

“Clarke,” Lexa flattened her tongue on the l and clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth at the k in the end. Clarke didn’t understand why the way she said it, suddenly gave her chills. The kind that didn’t come from the cold from outside the vehicle. 

“Lexa?” Clarke asked after they sat in a comfortable silence. 

“Hmm?”

“Where are we going?” 

“My place. I’ve got some Chinese takeout on the way there, hopefully they haven’t arrived yet. And I’ve got a nice fireplace you can sit by. I’ll get you some warm clothes too. I really hope you haven’t got frostbite.” 

Clarke looked down at her thin long sleeve and her ripped jeans. She was right. But that didn’t make the unsettling feeling low in Clarke’s stomach dissipate. 

“I don’t need any charity or pity,” Clarke sighed. “I’d be fine if you just let me out.” 

Lexa laughed. 

“Like I said, I’m not leaving you alone. And you won’t tell me where you live, which is fine. So I’m letting you stay at my place. No charity or pity here. Just care.” 

“Care? For someone you’ve never met?” 

“Well, we’ve met now haven’t we?” Lexa smirked. It was a warm, teasing smirk that made Clarke tingle all over. It was a good feeling. She hasn’t felt anything good in a long time. It scared her. “Put your seat belt on.” 

Lexa smiled when she heard the click of the seat belt being fastened, and then she reached over and hit a button on the car. The silence was soon filled with a bassed ringing. 

“Ying Yan’s Chinese, what would you like?” A man’s voice rang through the car, startling the blonde. Lexa only patted her thigh and continued to drive. The sensation sent ripples all over her leg. 

“Yes, hi, I made an order about forty minutes ago for Alexandra Woods. Has that order been sent out yet?” 

“No it has not. Want to make any changes?” 

“Yes I would like to add a meal.” 

Clarke shook her head at Lexa’s words and tried reassuring her that she didn’t need anything to eat even though her stomach growled in retaliation. Lexa raised a long slim index finger to her lips, telling Clarke to hush as she listed off what foods she’d be adding. Once the call had ended, Clarke glared at her in silence. 

“I told you I don’t need your-” 

“If you’ll be staying with me, you’ll be eating with me. So don’t even start.” 

Lexa’s serious tone left no room for argument and so Clarke accepted it with an eye roll. 

The car was warm and comfortable and the woman- Lexa, was gorgeous and thoughtful and Clarke was in heaven. She would’ve been in complete darkness according to her beliefs if this woman hadn’t grabbed her like she was an expensive antique ready to crash to the floor. She wouldn’t be warm. She would be cold. She was thankful. But she wouldn’t let her companion know that. 

The wind was roaring outside, almost louder than Clarke’s thoughts. 

Lexa turned the radio up.


	2. When You Feel So Tired But You Can't Sleep

There was a time when Lexa’s uncle Rooster told her mama that she wasn’t going into work the next day because there were ten inches of snow covering thick black ice on the roads. She stuck her hands firmly on her hips, said, “Like hell I’m not!” and she was out the door by 6:10 the next morning. The engine sputtered in the driveway and she patted the dashboard, softly encouraging the car to just move. She made it about a mile before Uncle Rooster had to voyage out into the cold on his own two legs and pick her up. That was Lexa’s momma. You tell her she can’t do something, and she’ll dare you to the mighty heavens and do it anyway regardless of any potential outcome. Lexa felt she was like her in that sense. 

Lexa never had a father. She had her mother and her uncle and then one day, she had her younger brother Aden. They were incredibly poor, but Lexa never gave it much thought. Her momma always made sure she had nice, warm clothes in the winter and a bed to sleep on. She made sure Lexa’s tummy was always full even if Lexa could sometimes hear her mother’s stomach growl in the dead of night. Uncle Rooster made it easier to pay bills and get groceries when he was there. But sometimes when he and Lexa’s mother fought, he would disappear for awhile. But when he came back, he held toys, and Lexa decided it was okay to forgive him every time. But then she got older and she found it more and more difficult to forget about his absence and what it was doing to her mother. 

Rooster of course saw this and decided it was time to talk to Lexa about it. Uncle Rooster hadn’t been her real uncle. He was her momma’s best friend. Her momma’s confidant. Her mother’s companion. Lover. It shocked Lexa and disgusted her for the better part of three years. She wouldn’t speak to him nor would she eat dinner if he made it. She wouldn’t let him drive her to school even there was a snowstorm raging outside. Of course, Rooster had always been a father figure to Lexa. But she didn’t expect to not actually be related to him. If he was her uncle, they at least shared the same blood. But no. They shared no DNA, no genetics, nothing. Just a common love for her mother. When he told her that he was Aden’s father, she cried. She cried until she couldn’t use her pillow because it was so wet. She was twelve when her mother and Rooster decided to hit her with all of this. And she didn’t exactly know what to do with it. She skipped school to graffiti the old remains of a destroyed factory on the east side of town. She didn’t come home until late, spending all of her time writing at the park, carving her initials into the wooden bench she sat on. She was lost for a long time. 

She was even moreso lost when the full attraction she had for girls hit her hard in her freshmen year of high school. She always knew in the back of her mind ever since she was little that she liked girls. She never saw any interest in boys. And when her best friend Anya gawked over both boys and girls, she felt maybe she was the same way. But she wasn’t. She was a complete “sappy gay honey muffin” as Anya had called her since middle school. But she would just brush it off and focus on school. Forget about it as best as she could with the loud thoughts in her head never letting her sleep. But then she couldn’t help but practically drooling all over the shiny gymnasium floor on her first day of high school PE when she gawked at the pretty girl on the other side of the room, lounging on the bleachers with her group of friends. She was laughing and Lexa’s limbs were tingling. Her heart beat faster than it ever had before, she even felt it in her head. Anya nudged her with her elbow and chuckled at the scowl her best friend gave to her. “Better close your mouth. Otherwise we’ll slip on your drool and lose dodgeball.” Lexa scowled even harder at Anya, but her best friend only laughed harder at the tinge of pink dusting her cheeks. Lexa rolled her eyes but nevertheless, she focused them back on the girl. That pretty girl with dark brown, curly hair and eyes the color of honey. 

She soon discovered that her name was Costia Olsen. She was an honor student with stellar grades, and a rich family. Lexa’s shoulders sagged in shame at her own family’s wealth status. She never had a chance with the rich girl. The popular rich girl that sometimes caught her eyes in big crowds, and threw her a shy smile. No, Lexa definitely didn’t have a chance. 

Except she did. She didn’t expect to pen her locker one drowsy Monday morning and see a letter flutter to the ground. She didn’t expect it to be a note from Costia Olson asking her to meet in the library before class started. She didn’t expect the pretty rich girl pushing her up against one of the old book shelves and kissing her until the reality of the world slipped away and her knees went weak. Really, she didn’t see any of it coming. Going on dates, falling in love, becoming the school’s biggest gossip. And then losing her as if none of it mattered. 

When she lost Costia, she lost herself too. 

Everyone was distraught and surprised and upset. Everyone was mostly shocked. Lexa blamed herself. If only she had gone to that house party instead of staying home to clean the house. It was beginning to smell, and her mother hadn’t gotten out of bed for weeks. Rooster had left nearly seven months before and hadn’t come back. She had to clean and take care of Aden. She just had to. But then maybe if she just went with Costia, the love of her life would still be alive. She wouldn’t have gotten so drunk if Lexa were there. She wouldn’t have wondered off into the road and got hit by a set of drunk teenage boys who kept driving, leaving her body to be found in the middle of the road the next day. She could’ve helped prevent it. She could’ve done something. 

But really, it wasn’t her fault. She couldn’t believe that for a long time though. People at school tried talking to her. Giving her looks of pity and sorrow and Lexa couldn’t stand it. She wouldn’t talk to anyone but Anya. Anya didn’t treat her that way. Of course she was soft on the subject and was there whenever Lexa needed her, but the subject never came up so they talked about Sara Ingman’s big cheating scandal on the school’s quarterback, or their history teacher’s sad horse obsession. Lexa didn’t care about any of it, but it was better than thinking about Costia. Anything was better than the pain. 

There was a lot Lexa still hadn’t expected. The biggest being, coming home to silence. Usually the tv was on, channel stuck on cartoons that twelve year old Aden didn’t really even watch anymore. It usually served for background noise so neither sibling had to hear their mother cry. Lexa had tried to be there for her mom, but she would either get slapped or yelled at until she left the room. So she and Aden left her alone. But this time, stepping through the door, the tv was off and sobs could not be heard. Only the dripping of the kitchen sink that desperately needed to be fixed. So many things needed to be fixed. She knew Aden must’ve been at friend’s or at an after school club because the bike she got him with her hefty paychecks from her job at the local diner, wasn’t lying in the yard as it usually was. She was thankful he wasn’t home. Because he would’ve stumbled into the horrific sight first without her. 

She dropped her bag to the floor beside the old brown recliner in the living room and made her way to the small hallway. When she reached the last door on the left at the end of the hall, she stopped and squeezed her eyes shut before lightly knocking against the door. No response. It wasn’t unusual. Her mother never answered. So Lexa took it upon herself to pay the bills and the rent. She took it upon herself to buy the groceries and cook for her and Aden. She took responsibility for everything because she was the only one that could. 

She pushed open the stubborn door and stopped in her tracks when she saw her mother lying on the green stained carpet on her stomach. A bottle of empty pills a few inches away from her stiff hand. Lexa’s heart did one large heavy thump before sinking into her stomach and settling there, slow and heavy. She didn’t know she was crying until she felt the wetness on her cheeks. She had fallen to her knees with no one to catch her. She sat there sobbing at her mother’s unmoving body for god knows how long. The call to the police sobered her up and she wiped away her tears before they could come by and carry her mother away on a stretcher. Lexa was questioned, and then she was asked about her younger brother who had just ridden up on his bike in distraught at the vision of the blaring sirens and the millions of flashing red and blue lights. Lexa had just turned eighteen. She could support him. He wouldn’t have to go to a foster home somewhere. She could still take care of the only person in this world who loved her as much as she loved him. Her baby brother. 

“Lexa?! Lexa!” He screamed as he threw his bike onto the sidewalk and ran through the group of paramedics and cops. He searched blindly for his sister. He pushed and shoved and ignored the dirty looks and disgruntled rumbles coming from neighbors circling the scene. Then he saw her. Standing with her arms folded over her chest, speaking to a cop in her normal stoic manner. His shoulders sagged in relief. 

Aden barreled into Lexa’s side and clung to her like a baby koala and cried a stain into her grey sweatshirt. She sighed heavily and wrapped her arms around him as the grief weighed her down even more. 

“I thought it was you!” Aden sobbed into his sister’s shoulder. “I couldn’t take it if it were you, Lex.” 

Lexa’s heart skipped a bit at his words and the bile rose in her throat. She would never - could never take her own life. Not when she had so many things to do. Not when she wanted a better life for herself and her brother. She would never leave him behind like everyone else he ever loved did. She would remain his one constant. And nothing would ever change that. 

When Aden was told it was his mother, he looked upset but not even nearly as upset when he thought his sister was in danger. He took it strong with a face of stone and a gulp. He stood tall as he and Lexa spoke with the cops more and more before he finally let them go. Neither wanted to stay in that house. Not where their mother had just taken her life. So Lexa drove them to Anya’s. They were welcomed with open arms. They stayed there until Lexa was able to afford a two bedroom apartment next to Aden’s middle school. Lexa finished off the year with a physics scholarship, and was able to study business at college the next year. 

The funeral was expensive but Lexa paid for it. More people than she thought showed up. But Rooster had been nowhere to be seen. Lexa didn’t care if he showed up or not. She didn’t care if she never saw him again at all. Still, she knew how much it had hurt Aden. She knew she could never make up for that. 

In terms of a better life, Lexa studied her ass off until hard work paid off. She soon became one of the most respected and popular CEO’s of Arkadia at just the age of 24. She was intelligent and charming. Most people thought she didn’t have a heart. And she was fine with those rumors so long as they didn’t destroy her image or her job. She never thought coming from such a poor family, and a bad background that she would be a respected CEO of an art company. Not to mention the largest one known to man. Praimfaya. Lexa Woods was the face of Praimfaya. And what a gorgeous face that was. Success tasted like hot chocolate on a cold winter day inside. Knowing she worked for it, worked for her place in the world was a heavenly feeling. But she knew it didn’t make her any better than the old cashier at the grocery store or the lady that ran the floral shop just a couple of miles away from her luxurious home. In fact, she felt that woman was better sometimes. She was the one that offered her such beautiful flowers at such low costs. Lexa was bright, and nearly famous. But she most definitely was not heartless. 

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

“This is your house?” the blonde asked as soon as she stepped out of the car. Lexa held the door open for the awestruck girl and tried to hide her smirk.

“Indeed it is,” Lexa nodded and began her walk up the beautiful stone steps, to the large gorgeous front door. “Plenty of space for you.”

“But, how? Who are you?” 

“Lexa Woods.” 

Clarke shook her head. “Sounds familiar but, I can’t remember what you’re from.”

“Praimfaya,” Lexa shrugged as if it were nothing. 

It was anything but nothing. 

Clarke’s breath rushed out of her body in one single gust as she gasped at the realization. The front door swung open after Lexa pulled her keys out and stepped aside, motioning with her arm for Clarke to go in first. She didn’t think anything of the look of surprise all over Clarke’s face. Everyone looked at her that way. Except Clarke somehow made it different. It wasn’t just surprise that she was a rich woman that she could sleep with for reputation and bragging rights. It was more. It was like Clarke saw something she thought she’d never grasp. It unsettled Lexa. 

“Let’s go inside. I’ll get the fireplace going and takeout should be here soon,” Lexa smiled warmly at the awestruck blonde.

Clarke shook herself out of it and nodded dumbly, feeling slightly stupid for her own reaction. 

The inside of the mansion was absolutely breathtaking to put it lightly. It wasn’t too overdone and it wasn’t bland or boring. It was just right, sprinkled with pieces of art, pristine furniture and homey knick knacks as well as soft warm lights. Clarke instantly felt herself warm up from the harsh cold outside. She felt the worry dissipate from her chest only the least bit. She hated that this woman could just walk into her life and make things so warm so instantly. The world didn’t work that way. It didn’t make any sense. 

Clarke stopped in front of a large painting of a blonde boy in a field, chasing a green balloon, following a golden retriever to an old railroad. The sky was sparkling with stars and colorful explosions. It was the only the artwork framed so far that Clarke had seen. 

“My little brother painted that.” Lexa was suddenly beside Clarke. Clarke felt warm. 

“H-he’s really good,” Clarke fumbled for the right words. 

“I agree. Phenomenal. He’s in art school right now.” 

Clarke’s throat went dry at the mention of art school. One of the many things she failed. One of the many things she did for herself because her father told her she could do anything she dreamed of. He constantly reminded her that she was a good artist. That she was going places. 

“He just started this September. He’s really good. And he knows that just because I’m head of the arts doesn’t mean he’s going to get a full ride. He made that perfectly clear to me, although I could pull strings for him,” Lexa laughed. “He wants to make it on his own. He wants to succeed without help.” 

Clarke nodded. “I get that.” 

There was a somber lilt to the air and Lexa noticed it right away, eyeing the blonde. Clarke shook her head and refused to meet Lexa’s eyes. She sat on the grey couch and marveled at how comfy it was. She leaned back and watched Lexa make her way into the kitchen. She had taken off her large dark gray overcoat sometime after they entered, and now she was left in a crisp black blazer unbuttoned to reveal a white undershirt and ironed black pants. She was the definition of gorgeous. Clarke felt chills go down her spine. Good, tingly warm chills. She shook off the feeling. Although it wasn’t entirely unpleasant. 

Lexa scribbled something on a sticky note and placed it on her fridge before walking over to the fireplace and turning it on. Behind the glass, flames roared to life. Fuel. Electric. Warm. 

“I’ll go grab you a change of clothes. You warm yourself up.” Lexa said then disappeared up the stairs.

Clarke looked at the flames in the fireplace and felt herself going back through her memories. The time she got a doctor set when she was ten from her mother. The one she never touched. How her father scooped her up and promised he got her some of her favorite donuts and they would watch a Christmas story later that night. They did whilst eating the best raspberry filled donuts in town. 

Lexa padded down the stairs, having changed herself into an oversized gray t shirt and some fitting black yoga pants. They left nothing to the imagination, Clarke thought. She scolded herself inwardly to stop thinking that way. Let alone to the person who saved her life and could;ve potentially been someone she was trying to impress if she hadn’t got kicked out of art school.

“Here,” Lexa handed a pair of red and black flannel bottoms and a black band T to Clarke. “These are really comfy. I think you’ll enjoy them.” 

Clarke took them hesitantly and hugged them to her chest. 

“Why are you helping me?” Clarke sighed in defeat. The sensory overload of the woman’s perfume and the nice environment had nearly drained her for the night. 

Lexa worried at her bottom lip and then looked Clarke straight on with those big green ones. The first thing Clarke saw before she was pulled up from potential death. Green, glittering beauty. 

“Because you look like you need someone. Because I wouldn’t leave anyone out there like that.” 

“I’m not your responsibility. You aren’t inclined to just house me and nurture me. I don’t need you.” 

Those last three words oddly made Lexa’s heart sink. She didn’t know why. She could care less if Clarke thought she didn’t need her. She was going to make sure the girl was fine either way. She could tell the blonde was stubborn. She would’ve found it cute if she wasn’t momentarily irritated. 

“Look, Clarke, I’m not doing this out of pity. This isn’t my good deed for the day. I saw a girl standing on shaky legs on the rail of a bridge. I saw a girl who looked so done with life that she couldn’t stand being alive any longer. But I also saw a girl the world would miss regardless of what she thought. The world would be missing another human being that could change this world in her own way. I didn’t want to see you go. I just wanted you to get that sign that you were looking for. Another shot at this life. Like it or not, I’m it. You aren’t going anywhere. You’re living and breathing right here, tonight, tomorrow, and way beyond that.” 

The doorbell rang and cut off Lexa’s speech. Clarke looked shocked. 

Lexa smiled warmly. 

“And you’re also going to be eating the best Chinese food in Polis.” 

Clarke broke out in a small smile and she rolled her eyes as Lexa retreated down the hallway to answer the door, hips swaying seductively. 

“What a time to be alive.” Clarke murmured. She only half meant it. 

 

////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

She was nodding off before she could really think about it. Her head still rested against her palm, arm propped up on the arm of the couch. Lexa had turned the lights off sometimes earlier after they finished their food and made easy conversation. She put on one of Clarke’s favorite movies after Clarke told her what it was. The little bit of information out of the girl made Lexa smile so bright, Clarke was stunned. 

So there they were, lying on their respective sides of the large comfy couch, watching A Place in the Sun. It wasn’t that Clarke couldn’t keep herself interested, she’d seen the film a thousand times and could watch it a thousand more, but she was just so drained from the entire day. Beyond it, really. She was exhausted from every damn thing that’s happened to her this last year. Truth be told, she didn’t expect to still be breathing, let alone sitting in a large house of a gorgeous, soft CEO. She didn’t expect to be in such great company, or to be so well taken care of. And as much of a fuss she put up for being taken care of, she truly really liked it. She hadn’t felt such at ease in years. Even beyond when her life fell apart. Looking over at Lexa’s beautiful face reflecting in the old movie’s shadows, sharp jaw, strong cheekbones, plump lips, and beautiful distracted eyes, Clarke had never felt so lucky in her entire life. It was a pleasant feeling but she immediately shook it off. It may have made her tummy warm, but it made her chest constrict in an awful way. Fear. 

“Ready to go to bed?” 

Lexa’s soft voice jolted Clarke upright. She blinked at the beautiful brunette with bleary eyes and a fixed frown. Lexa switched the tv off right as Montgomery Clift’s character started to demonstrate his crime in a courtroom, sweating profusely. Clarke grumbled in reluctance, but stood from the couch beside Lexa in the dark living room. The mansion sat on a hill, so from the large windows, the lights of the city cast an orange hue and yellow hue on Lexa. Clarke was suddenly too awake. Lexa looked like art. For once in months, Clarke’s hands itched to draw. She so desperately wanted to draw Lexa.

“I can show you to the guest room. It’s pretty cozy. Even has a little night light.” 

“Lexa, I’m not five.” 

“It’s still nice to have one sometimes,” Lexa shrugged. 

Clarke followed the woman up the stairs and gawked at the second spacious living room and two separate hallways. Lexa went down the one closest to the larger fireplace and Clarke trailed close behind. Lexa opened the last door on the right and stepped aside, letting Clarke slowly and hesitantly step in. 

She wasn’t surprised at how wonderful and beautiful the room was. Clarke didn’t even feel like she was in stranger’s home. She felt as if she was just welcomed home. But she couldn’t get too comfortable. She wouldn’t allow herself. She was just staying for the night and would be on her merry way in the morning. She knew Lexa probably wouldn’t like it but, she really couldn’t accept Lexa being so courteous and letting her stay when she couldn’t earn her keep. She couldn’t and wouldn’t take advantage of this woman. Not when she’s done so much for her already. 

Lexa rushed in ahead of her and turned on the small orange salt lamp that sat atop of a desk across the large memory foam bed with black and white rose sheets. Clarke smiled at the gesture but dropped it and welcomed back her frown as soon as Lexa turned around. 

“All set. If you want, you could take a shower. You have your own bathroom, and there are some of my extra clothes in that dresser over there,” Lexa pointed to a dark grey dresser in the corner of the room. 

“How many strays do you take in exactly?” Clarke smirked. 

Lexa rolled her eyes. 

“I didn’t have room for some of my clothes in my own closet so I put them in here. You can take some if you need them.” 

Clarke nodded and sat on the bed awkwardly. Fiddling her thumbs in her lap as Lexa made sure the room was good enough. To Clarke, it was more than enough. Everything Lexa was doing for her, was more than she could ever ask for. The same guilty feeling came back and gnawed at her insides. She would leave as soon as she could. She would not be a burden. Especially not to Lexa Woods. 

“Goodnight Clarke. If you need me, I’m across the hall. I’ll see you in the morning,” Lexa nodded as she stopped by the door. She threw a tender smile over her shoulder, then stepped out and closed the door behind her. 

Clarke suddenly wish Lexa was still there with her in the room. She wished they could’ve fallen asleep on the sofa downstairs while the movie played over and over again. She hated herself for wishing this stranger would stay by her all night. She was conflicted within herself an she wanted it to just end. But it wouldn’t end. Not now. Not after she nearly lost her life and was saved. She couldn’t slip again. 

She settled under the comforters and sighed at the silence that circled around her in the semi dark room. She expected to toss and turn all night. It wasn’t a surprise to her that when she looked over at the clock, it was two thirty in the morning. Clarke sighed in frustration and threw her hands down flat on her sides. 

The more she thought about it, the more she felt she needed to shower. She hadn’t showered in over a week (Dante had turned off her water for not paying the bill) and she was starting to get uncomfortable with the grime that sat atop of her skin. She reached a hand up to ruffle her hair and twisted her face in a grimace at how greasy it was. Lexa had told her she could take a shower. It had probably been too late for that, but Clarke knew she wouldn’t be able to get to sleep knowing just how dirty she felt against such clean, pristine sheets. 

She found herself looking into the gigantic mirror of the opulent bathroom. She was disgusted at what she saw in the reflection. She looked dirty, haggard and famished despite the hefty load of Chinese food she ate earlier. She was alive though. She was still breathing. And she’d feel better after finally bathing. She felt bad for Lexa having to be around her. She didn’t smell that good. 

The soft stream of hot water felt heavenly against Clarke skin. She moaned in delight at the feeling of being washed. Being rid of the dirt on her skin and maybe even some that resided inside of her mind. Showers always made Clarke’s thoughts seem more clear, and more vivid. More sensible. Like she could find solutions that she wouldn’t normally be able to find anywhere else. It also helped her creativity pour out a little bit more. She was already feeling more creative just in Lexa’s presence alone, but then the shower gave her ideas, potential portrait pieces and scenarios that she couldn’t wait to get on paper. 

Then a certain image popped into her head. Lexa in a white silk robe, entering the room. Piercing green eyes boring into Clarke’s vibrant blue ones. Lexa’s lithe, long fingers untying the knot of against her abdomen, letting the robe fly open, exposing soft sun kissed skin. Then the sound of the robe hitting the floor as Lexa became bare. Clarke’s mouth went dry at the thought. Then Lexa was sitting on a chair, back arched, as she looked into the distance. Modeling for her. Letting her truly see her. 

The loud bang of the conditioner bottle slipping out of her hands and bashing to the floor startled Clarke enough to make her jump and nearly slip. But she caught herself against the nice brown stone tiles of the spacious shower, and stared down at the bottle in annoyance. It clearly had been her fault, but she didn’t care. It had been a long time since she showered and thought of something nice instead of being consumed by the dark thoughts that had recently taken residence in her head.

After washing away all the dirt and grime and making sure her hair was soft and clean, she stepped out of the shower, onto the soft lush mats, and wrapped a cozy blue towel around her. When she looked into the steamy mirror again, she still didn’t like what she saw but she looked better. It was a step. 

Before she could register it, the door flew open, and Clarke gasped at the sight of an alert Lexa holding a large skateboard in her arms, ready to bash someone with it. 

“I heard a loud bang, Clarke! Are you okay?” 

Clarke looked at the woman and tried to stifle her laughing, but it slipped through anyway. Lexa’s usually perfect hair was in disarray, sticking up every which way, her shirt was thrown on, inside out and backwards and she had no pants on. She looked utterly alert, but completely tired too. Bless this gorgeous dork. 

“I uh, I dropped the conditioner. I’m sorry I woke you.” 

Lexa visibly relaxed. She sighed and put the skateboard down by her side before scrubbing her hands over her blushing face. 

“I’m sorry I barged in,” Lexa sputtered. “That was stupid of me.” 

Clarke’s smile was genuine this time as she raised a pruned hand to Lexa’s shoulder and rubbed soothingly. 

“Hey, it’s okay. Thank you for looking out for me, Lexa.” 

Lexa tried to ignore the sudden warm tingles that came from where Clarke touched her, but it only served to make her cheeks turn a darker shade of red. 

Clarke dropped her hand and cleared her throat awkwardly, growing her own blush. Lexa’s eyes skated quickly over the exposed skin Clarke sported above the coverage of the towel, and she felt the blush become so hot it was almost painful. 

“I um-”

“Yeah-”

Both said at the same time and laughed again awkwardly. The tension was thick enough to be sawed through. 

“I’m gonna get back to bed. I hope you sleep good, Clarke,” Lexa finally said and smiled. She dragged the skateboard out and closed the bathroom door leaving Clarke alone in the steamy bathroom, contemplating what the hell just passed through them. 

She didn’t think too hard on it. She shook it off and was just thankful she got to shower and that she wasn’t thinking about death or how much of a disaster her life had become in such short notice. 

She slid into some soft pajamas from the dresser and marveled in the fact they smelled like Lexa. Pine and hot chocolate and warm peach. Then she slid into the sheets and sighed at the heavenly feeling of the silk sheets against her clean skin. She glanced at the clock and saw that it was already three fifteen in the morning. This time she wasn’t struggling for sleep. She was ready to let it consume her in the warmest way. She wasn’t up thinking about everything, stressing over where she would go when she had to leave Lexa’s. She was too exhausted to keep up with her mind. So, nestled into the sheets of that big bed, she let herself be whisked away to sleep. She still wished Lexa was beside her. And she was too tired to analyze it or care.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed this chapter. I spent a couple of days on it which is more than I usually spend on a chapter. I had to get some humor in it to lighten it up so I hope that was okay. It hasn't been too dark yet but it will get there I think. Comments and kudos make my heart happy! Let me know whatcha thought! I'll be working on the next chapter as well as updating my other fic Bloodstream soon!


	3. Stuck In Reverse

She was a prisoner of her dreams. Her long, scaley emotional nightmares. She had been for so long. And because of that, she never got a good night’s rest. The bags under her eyes were so apparent, she was surprised she wasn’t ill. But for once, for one tiny night, she slept through a dreamless sleep, well into late morning. Her father’s smiling face didn’t haunt her, and her mother’s screaming didn’t ring in her ears, jolting her awake. No. This time, she was consumed in a relieving bout of darkness. Her body was comfortable, her head was empty for once. It was such a damn treat.

The hefty delicious smell of bacon lifted her from the veil of sleep in swift motion. Clarke blinked her blue eyes open and scanned the lilac colored walls, searching for the old tan ones from her old apartment. She remembered instantly where she was. She was in Lexa Woods’, CEO of Praimfaya, most gorgeous woman ever’s house. She was wrapped in sheets that smelled like her. She was saved by her. 

The stone walls she had built were still in tact, that was for sure. But they were getting wobbly. And, what? After just one night? Clarke puffed out a long sigh and shook her head at her own feelings and thoughts. She was growing rather sick of them. But she had to try. Lexa was evidence enough to show that she really had to try again at this fucked up life she got herself into. If not for herself, for Lexa. 

The kitchen was filled with light and heavenly smells, and a cooking Lexa in pajama shorts and a large band tee welcomed Clarke as she descended down the stairs. Some christmas lights had been strung up over the walls around the livingroom and over the fireplace and there were festive knick knacks resting on the mantle. They hadn’t been there last night, so Lexa must’ve woken up early. A warm calming feeling set low in the pit of Clarke’s tummy, and for once she actually allowed herself to feel the bliss. 

“Smells good,” Clarke remarked as she slid into one of the stools of the island. 

Lexa smiled at her as she flipped some hash brown patties in a pan. 

“I hope you aren’t a vegetarian. I make some pretty good bacon, and I’ve made quite a bit,” Lexa smirked. 

“My mouth is watering just from the smell alone.” 

“Good.” 

They exchanged comfortable smiles and Lexa focused back on the sizzling greasy foods being prepared to fill Clarke’s tummy. It was already growling again, and Clarke pat it once to shut it up. 

There was soft christmas music playing from a speaker on one of the counters, and Lexa swayed her hips as she hummed along to the cheery beat. Clarke thought it was one of the most endearing sights she had ever been lucky enough to see. Lexa in her pajamas, hair in a loose ponytail, making breakfast like a pro, dancing and humming to music. It was all so domestic. So dreamlike. If this was in fact a dream Clarke was having, she wouldn’t mind it. Not in the slightest. She’d be happy to dream about this moment every damn night if she could. 

“Coffee?” Lexa turned around and lifted a black mug dangling from her pinky. It read “Gay as the day” and had a fat rainbow on it. Clarke couldn’t help but smile. 

“I don’t really drink coffee. I’m more of a tea person. But what the hell.” 

Lexa bit her lip in thought for a moment before setting the mug down and opening her cupboards. Revealed for Clarke to feast on, was an entire loot of different types of tea. A copious of different kinds. This woman truly had everything. 

“What’s your favorite? I have chamomile, earl grey, lemon -”

“You’ve probably got every tea known to man hidden away in there,” Clarke chuckled. 

“I’ll bet I do. Tell me your favorite. I’ll bet I have it.” 

Clarke bit her lip. She hadn’t had her favorite tea in years. Not that it was hard to get, you could walk into any grocery store and probably snag it from a shelf. But she just never had the heart to drink it. Not until now. 

“Cinnamon apple spice,” Clarke husked as the emotions filled her. Lexa could sense the unease and the shift in Clarke’s mood. 

Lexa turned and searched through the endless amounts of packaged tea. But of course, she didn’t have cinnamon apple spice. Of all teas, she didn’t have Clarke’s favorite. But how was she supposed to know? She didn’t expect to meet the girl at all in the first place. Still, she couldn’t help berating herself for not having it. 

“Looks like I’m not the tea goddess after all,” Lexa shrugged apologetically at the blonde. “But what about some chamomile? It’s my favorite.” 

“I’d love some chamomile,” Clarke nodded politely. Her smile was back and the darkness clouding her features earlier had vanished.

Lexa could see just a very small tip of an extremely large iceberg of this girl. And no matter how cold the dive could potentially be, Lexa wanted to know more and more until she saw the whole thing. Lexa knew it wouldn’t be easy. But it’s better that way. The things that are most worth it are never easy. 

The tea brewed, the bacon sizzled in a pan, and eggs were popping. It brought a warmth to Clarke that she hadn’t felt in such a long time. She savored it like it was something she’d never be able to feel again. Basked in every last drop of Lexa’s generosity. She even let herself rake her eyes all over Lexa’s body when the woman had her back turned to her. She didn’t feel bad, the girl was absolutely gorgeous. Clarke was sure Lexa got millions of wondering eyes. But still, maybe she shouldn’t be ogling the woman who gave her hospitality and saved her life the night before. The guilt trickled in then. 

Lexa turned around and caught a beet red Clarke staring at her. The blonde’s blue eyes grew wide and she snapped them shut and glanced away, turned her head so it rested in her palm. Lexa felt a hot blushing heat ripple over her skin at the realization the blonde was checking her out. She didn’t know why Clarke had such an effect on her. Well, she had an idea. The woman was drop dead gorgeous. Lexa always was a sucker for blondes, not including Costia. She loved the way the sun made the yellow color even more bright. She loved how it brought out certain women’s eyes. And with Clarke’s, it only made her beautiful azure eyes pop even more. And her lips. Her lips looked so kissable. Lexa officially had it bad. 

Lexa shook her head and cleared her throat. Nothing was good about the way she was thinking. Nothing could ever happen with the girl. She wasn’t in the right place in her life. Hell, she hadn’t even wanted to be alive up until last night. It wouldn’t be healthy. But looking at Clarke as she rested her cheek in her palm and gazed out the large window onlooking the snow covered city, Lexa knew she was going to help her get back onto her feet. Nothing romantic or sexual had to come out of it. That’s not at all what Lexa even had in mind when she drove Clarke back to her place. She just wanted to help her. She wanted Clarke to know that she mattered. Lexa bit her lip and gripped the edges of the island and mapped out Clarke’s profile with her sharp green eyes. She was going to help Clarke. Not only that, she would make it her mission to bust down her walls, or climb them, or squeeze through them, and get to know Clarke all the way down to her wonderful, resilient beating heart. She would make sure Clarke felt important and cared for if it was the last thing she did. 

“Uh, Lex?” Clarke was looking at her now with a small smirk playing at the edges of her lips. Now look at who was caught staring that time. 

“Yeah?” Lexa blinked away from her thoughts. 

“I think the bacon’s burning.” 

Lexa scrunched her eyebrows in confusion. But then the stench of burning meat filled her nostrils, and her heart dropped to her stomach at the embarrassment. She had forgot she was even making food in the first place. She had been so busy thinking about Clarke and looking at her, being whisked away by her beauty, that she completely shut everything out. A house fire is something she definitely wasn’t looking forward to. 

Clarke watched the brunette shake her head and run to the stove where she hurriedly turned down the heat, and flipped the bacon strips with ease. Even in moments of panic, the woman was stoic and calm. Clarke envied her. Clarke wanted to kiss her pouty lips. Clarke wished she would stop thinking that way. It would only hurt the both of them in the end if Lexa knew what was on her mind. What she so desired to do. 

 

///////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

They ate breakfast in comfortable silence save for some small talk here and there. Clarke’s tummy hadn’t felt so full in months. Neither had her heart. It was scaring her. But really, she was too content to let her fear settle in. She was too calm in Lexa’s presence to feel any sort of bad and unwelcoming feeling. 

“I see you’ve decorated the living room. Someone’s got Christmas spirit,” Clarke mentioned and scarfed down a large bite of hash brown. 

“What, you’re telling me you don’t decorate your place during the holidays?”

Clarke stared down at her plate in shame. She couldn’t hide it from Lexa forever. It wouldn’t matter anyway if she told her or not. 

“I um. I lost my apartment. Couldn’t pay rent.”

The silence didn’t stretch on for long. Lexa nodded around a bite of waffle and shrugged. 

“Well, now you have decorated living room.”

Lexa was the sweetest woman Clarke had ever met. She didn’t even really know her. She met her yesterday. But she could tell the woman was a tender soul. She was kind, and loving and she gave so much and didn’t expect a single thing back. Clarke looked at her and felt her own heart skip a beat. This girl was everything. But then it pained her, took up all of her chest at the realization that she was going to leave her today. She was going to thank her a thousand times over and go back in the cold no matter how many times she begged her not to. She was going. She was leaving. And she would never forget Lexa. 

Lexa noticed yet again, the change in Clarke’s mood. It was sudden. Always so sudden. Lexa could tell Clarke was waging a war inside of her own head. She wanted to hold the blonde close and soothe her stormy thoughts. She wanted to keep her warm. 

“Is everything okay?” Lexa asked tentatively after she took a sip of her tea. 

Clarke chewed her thumbnail and sighed. She had the whole world on her shoulders. Lexa couldn’t see it, but she could tell. 

“I have to go,” Clarke finally said. 

Dread immediately took place in the pit of Lexa’s stomach. She couldn’t stand those words. Especially hearing them in that husky, honeydew voice. Lexa didn’t even know Clarke. But god, she wanted to. She wanted it more than she wanted everything. And she still couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why. All she knew was that she had to convince her to stay. She just had to. 

“No, Clarke,” Lexa shook her head vehemently. “You can stay here. I want you to stay here.”

Clarke bit her lip and softly closed her eyes before letting out yet another heavy sigh. Why did everything have to be so troublesome? 

“You’re so generous, Lexa. I can’t tell you how thankful I am that you let me stay here. You filled my tummy, let me shower, and even gave me a bed to sleep in. I will repay you one day. But I can’t stay.” 

“You have nowhere to go,” Lexa pointed out in victory as if Clarke hadn’t already thought of that and just would magically stay after being reminded. 

“I’ll have to find somewhere to go.” 

“Why find somewhere else when you’ve got a place right here?” 

The air was getting thick with hope and hurt. Lexa was hoping with everything she had that Clarke would just stay. Stay and let her take care of her. Clarke was hurt because she knew she wanted nothing more in the world than to stay with Lexa. But she just couldn’t. 

“I can’t let you let me stay here for free. I have no way to earn my keep. I can’t just invade your home and privacy. You have a life. A busy one it seems.” 

Lexa’s heart sank. Of course Clarke would feel bad for staying at Lexa’s for free. But it was no big deal. Maybe to others, but most definitely not to Lexa. Still, she knew if she wanted Clarke to stay, she had to make sure the blonde was comfortable. She had to make this work. 

“You could work at the little diner near Praimfaya,” Lexa was begging with her eyes at this point. With the way Clarke’s blue ones began to soften, she started to think it was working. 

“They put up an ad saying they were in desperate need for a waitress. I could get you a job in no time. Then you could stay here and pay rent. You won’t have to feel like a charity case or feel any guilt. Just please, Clarke. Let me help you.” 

Clarke worried her lip between her teeth and thought of what Lexa had proposed. It wasn’t a crazy idea. It was even a better idea than finding a local strip joint that would hire her so she could make easy cash and sleep in the locker rooms. And looking at the woman before her, she knew she couldn’t say no even if she wanted to. She was gaining a lot more than she thought she ever could. She was gaining Lexa. Who could be more lucky than Clarke Griffin in that moment? 

“What’s the diner called?” Clarke relented. Lexa’s smile was beaming. 

“Dropship.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long for me to update and I'm sorry it's a shorter chapter as well. My life is quite literally falling apart just like Clarke's. I can at least give Clarke a happy turn round if I can't have one. I hope you all enjoy. Thanks for sticking with me. I'll try to write more and faster. Kudos and Comments make life a little brighter. Love to you all. I love this Clexa fandom so much. It means the world to me. I never want to see this thriving light go out. If anyone wants to talk ever, or become friends, or just to say hey, don't hesitate to message me on tumblr @days-of-you


	4. When You Lose Something You Can't Replace

The winter’s fluffy snow cascaded down nearly sideways outside of the pristine diner windows. Clarke stared with her head propped up by her palm, and tried to count each one as it fell. She gave up after 153 and decided to enjoy the beauty of it. The flow in the diner was extremely slow. There were only four customers in the boothes and they all had everything they needed. Clarke made coffee for a homeless man and when he kept pushing it back to her, she grabbed his hand in a rare moment of affection and told him it was on the house. Meeting his stone gray eyes, she could see the sadness orbit inside of them. She could see the fatigue resign in the sunken wrinkles around the edges. He knew she wouldn’t take no for an answer so he took it with a cracked lip smile and sipped it. He tried to hide the bliss, but she could see it wash over him like a warm bath. It made her own heart feel heavy in a wonderful way. That must’ve been how Lexa felt taking her in. 

Lexa was able to get Clarke the job at the diner without so much as an interview. Clarke was hired on the spot, handed a blue uniform and white apron and a notepad. No background checks or previous employment questions. It was relieving to say the least. Clarke had never done anything wrong, not with the law at least. But she didn’t want her boss looking down on her for being a struggling art student in the past. The last place she worked at was an old clothes shop by her old apartments. But she was fired. Nothing really looked good for her. That’s another reason why she was thankful for Lexa. 

Living under the same roof as Lexa Woods was interesting to put it lightly. Clarke had always known just how sexy the woman was since the day she pulled her up from that bridge. Clarke couldn’t deny the attraction she had to her. And living with her made that attraction all the more apparent. She sometimes woke up to Lexa vacuuming the hallways, and other mornings she woke up before Lexa and scrambled to make breakfast before she woke. They had movie marathons together whenever they could, and the more they did, the more comfortable they got. They ended up with their legs tangled, one or the other brushing their fingers over the other girl’s knee. And when they ate dinner together, whether it was takeout or homemade, they talked about each other’s days. It only got more and more domestic as soon as it became a comfortable routine. Clarke looked forward to nothing more than going home with Lexa and talking about how she spilled lukewarm coffee on herself, and hearing about Lexa’s stressful duties as CEO. It was a feeling Clarke never thought she would feel again. It was slowly and surely consuming her. 

The clock was ticking away, and as Clarke glanced at it, she felt her stomach erupt on tingles. It was the end of her shift. Lexa would be picking her up anytime now. Lexa with her warm peach vanilla perfume and her fresh wavy brown locks that smelled like a rosy rain forest. Lexa and her green eyes that made Clarke melt under just one stare. Clarke was ready to go home after the day. She was ready to relax with Lexa. 

As if on cue, the door chimed as it was pushed open, and red cheeked Lexa in a black woolen hat and a gray overcoat walked in, rubbing her hands together to create friction and warmth. Her smile was the brightest thing Clarke had seen all day, and god if she wasn’t glad to see her. 

“Hey!” Lexa’s smile grew impossibly bigger as she set her sight on the blonde. “Look what I got.” 

Lexa reached into the pocket of her overcoat and pulled out a tiny box and slammed it softly onto the countertop. 

Clarke picked it up and inspected it. She chuckled and lifted an eyebrow at the beaming brunette. 

“Raspberry Zinger?” Clarke read the title on the herbal tea box aloud. 

“Yeah! You said you loved raspberry and I didn’t have this one in my cupboard so I was thinking we could try it.” 

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Griffin, you’re free to go,” Clarke’s manager, Echo hollered from the back.

“Have a good night, Echo.” 

Before Clarke could walk out the door that Lexa was so nicely holding open for her, the diner’s green wall phone started ringing. No one else was working except Echo. But she was otherwise occupied with unloading large bags of coffee beans into the back. 

“Wait, Clarke!” Echo shrieked from the back and Clarke stopped in her tracks, apology already written on her face as she eyed Lexa. Lexa nodded in understanding and smirked as Clarke ran back around the counter. 

“Got it!” Clarke yelled back and grabbed the telephone from the wall. The curly cord almost got wrapped around her arm. 

“Dropship Diner, whaddya eatin’?” Clarke spoke into the receiver in faux cheer. She just wanted to get it over with so she could go home, sit by the fire and watch movies with Lexa.

“Clarke?” A familiar voice flowed through her ear. Clarke’s eyes widened. 

“Octavia? God, we haven’t spoke in-” 

“Seven months. I know. I’m so sorry about that, Clarke. I didn’t forget about you. I’ve just been so busy and Lincoln nearly lost his job. Just so much has happened.”

Clarke was gripping the receiver so hard, her knuckles were turning white. Her brows were scrunched and she was biting her lip hard enough to make it bleed. She must have looked like she was internally dying because Lexa reached over and set her hand atop of Clarke’s free one. Clarke looked up into Lexa’s warm, worried green eyes and felt warmth seep into her chest. Lexa was worried about her. She didn’t know why that surprised her. 

Clarke nodded at her with a forced smile. Lexa didn’t let go of Clarke’s hand. Instead, she twined their fingers together. 

“No, O. It’s okay. Life’s hard sometimes. How’s Raven?” 

“She met some French dude. Wick or something. He’s a creep though.” 

“Well make sure he doesn’t screw with her.” 

“Trust me,” Octavia sighed. “Lincoln and I are trying. We caught him stealing some money from her bag the other day and he tried to play it off as if it were a joke. Lincoln punched him.”

Clarke scrunched her nose in disbelief 

“Lincoln definitely did not punch him. He’s the literal definition of a teddy bear.”

“Okay fine, but he could’ve! You’ve seen his muscles.”

Clarke had. She remembered when Lincoln first started to buff up in high school. Octavia had always been drooling over him, but those beefy muscles in progress only intensified the attraction between them. Clarke felt as if a semi had crashed into her heart as she thought about it all. She missed Lincoln’s bear hugs when things got too rough. She missed staying up all night with Octavia and Raven drinking beer and talking about things that certainly didn’t matter, but at the time they had. Like the hot professor in Raven’s engineering class. Or the fact that the old boot barn was closing down in their town after the owners split up. Clarke missed the familiarity and the family she had in them. She missed the simple things. 

“And Raven’s blind to all of this?” Clarke sighed as she willed her feelings back down into the pit of her heart. She wasn’t willing to put a damper on this call. Not when she hadn’t heard from Octavia in months. She didn’t want her to best friend to worry. 

“I think she has her suspicions. She’s definitely not the dumb one in our circle.” 

“Let’s not forget that even pure geniuses can be blinded by love,” Clarke added. She uneasily glanced at Lexa, but Lexa had looked away, trying to look as if she wasn’t listening. 

“She’s as fast as a whip, but when it comes to a pretty girl batting her eyes at her, or handsome guy kissing her hand, she’s in lala land.” 

“Linc and I will keep her in check. No worries,” Octavia chirped. Clarke could hear her smile over the phone. She missed it. She was slowly on her way to another stressful and upsetting night. She was so looking forward to a peaceful one with Lexa. She sighed at the thought that the possibility was long gone now. 

“How are you doing, Clarke?” 

The tone in her voice made it almost seem as if she knew exactly how her friend’s life had been going. As if she knew she was spiraling down deeper and deeper into her own hell. But was getting pulled up by the wealthiest CEO in the state. Clarke knew if she brought it up, the conversation would never end and they’d be stuck in that diner for hours. For purely selfish reasons, definitely not because she could see Lexa’s face had sunken and her eyes were drooping, she decided to not get into it. 

“I’m doing okay. How did you know I was working here anyway?” Clarke swayed the conversation like a homerun in a baseball stadium. Out of sight, out of mind. 

“Well I called your number but it was no longer in service. So I called around Arkadia and asked around. I was led here. What happened to your phone anyway? Do you need some extra cash?” 

Clarke rolled her eyes lovingly at the genuine care and worry in her best friend’s voice. She really missed her. She was trying to desperately to not focus on the pain that came with it. 

“Yeah when LIncoln almost lost his job, I’m gonna make you send me money.” 

Eyeroll. 

“Your sarcasm is just as lovely as it’s always been I see.” 

The friends shared a laugh and then a short silence. Not entirely an uncomfortable one. But things have definitely changed. It was a silence that brought that to attention like a loud alarm. It made them both uneasy. 

“Hey, O, I’ll catch you up on my life later okay? I worked an eight hour shift today and I’m really tired. Your number is still the same right?” 

“Yes. You can always call me, Clarke,” a pause. “I really miss you.” 

The pain beat like an extra heart in her chest. Twice as awful. 

“I miss you too,” Clarke choked out. 

Months of silence and Octavia comes back as if she never left. Brightens Clarke and dims her all at once. Months of living their own lives and she still gets a call from her best friend. Why can’t she get just one call from her mother?

After saying their goodbyes, they hung up and Clarke reluctantly pulled her hand from Lexa’s and made her way around the counter to join Lexa. The brunette stood up with a sympathetic smile and Clarke surprisingly welcomed it. She expected Lexa to ask what it was about. To try and understand. But instead, she offered her hand once more. Without a word, Clarke took it with her own smile pushing at her lips. Lexa didn’t pressure her to talk at home, and they held hands the entire ride home. 

 

///

 

“You can’t tell me this movie is bogus,” Lexa rolled her eyes with a small smile as she gestured toward the large television ahead of them. Elizabeth Taylor was shouting nonsense at a withered Richard Burton in black and white. It was rather enjoyable to Clarke but it was also a long ride. Something to be analyzed over and over until your brain hurt.

“It’s such an emotional roller coaster. You don’t even particularly know why they enjoy this sick little game. Is it all real? Are they just being assholes? Is Martha just an old lunatic, or is George completely just that unsatisfying and boring? It’s like a bad psyche film.”

“It’s more than that,” Lexa stared at the emotional hell and bit her lip. “It’s like the workings over the inner emotions as if they were people. It’s conflict and love and envy and pain. It’s happiness but in a split second, it’s so dark. It’s like what human emotions would look like if they had their own bodies and their own lives. Like, yeah crazy. But real.” 

Clarke looked at Lexa and saw a glimpse of something she had been dying to see; her innermost difficult thoughts. It made Clarke feel raw. Raw and honored. 

“I just don’t think you can treat someone so harshly after years of being with them. And if you can, then why be with them ya know?” Clarke sighed and wrung her hands together. This was destined to be a deep conversation. “Why invite people over at three in the morning, and lay out all of each other’s weaknesses and secrets out before them? Why drink and play such a shitty game? Why do random spurts of affection take place, but then disappear all together? Is it an everyday occurrence? Do they love each other so much that they hate each other? It’s just so much to think about.” 

“I don’t think you could ever hate someone if you love them,” Lexa’s green eyes, usually so intense and commanding were suddenly sullen and hurt. Like reflections against glasses, Clarke could see memories flash before them. She just couldn’t tell what they were. 

“Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf shows that. Even after they’ve fought all night, nearly killed each other, and sent another couple apart, they sat down when the sun rose, and they held each other and they were okay with their pain. It’s like, maybe life can be terrible and people do hideous things, but there’s still love somewhere in the mix. And if there’s love, maybe it’s worth it.” 

Lexa might as well have been stripping in front of her. She was becoming more and more vulnerable and Clarke was starting to fall apart with her.

“Lexa, we don’t have to talk about-” 

“My mother killed herself,” Lexa said before Clarke could finish her sentence. And just like that, all of the blood drained from Clarke’s face and her heart turned over in her chest like a pancake being flipped too hard too early and made a thunky chunky mess. 

Lexa stared into blue eyes and felt comfort. The kind of comfort she thought she’d never find again. The kind she didn’t want to allow herself to have. Because what comes with comfort is potential. Potential to break. Potential to be taken away. Potential to give, and to only be hurt in response. But, Lexa trusted it. Not with her gut or her head. But with her heart. 

“My mom was very smart, but she didn’t know how to function without having someone to confide in. Someone to love and have love her back.” 

Clarke thought back to her phone call earlier with Octavia. What she had said. ‘Even pure geniuses can be blinded by love.’

“I’d like to think I’m not like that,” Lexa sighed, never breaking eye contact with Clarke. “I grew up observing my mother’s relationship with my brother’s father. I knew what was healthy and what wasn’t. Him leaving for long periods of time and coming back wasn’t healthy. My mother lying in bed, not showered, peeing in bottles, and eating only when I forced her in the duration of those times wasn’t healthy. I got first hand experience of what not to do when you love someone. I feel guilty she had to suffer for me to gain that.

“One day, Rooster never came back, and I had to take care of my little brother, Aden, as our mother slowly withered away in her room. My brother and I both tried our hardest to get her to get out of bed. To get out of bed and to see sunlight again. But she just gave up. She felt so weak and so lifeless just because one man left her and didn’t love her anymore. But god, she had us. She always had us. We loved her even when she was awful. We loved her even when she forgot our birthdays and drank until all she could do was scream all night and vomit all morning. We took care of her. And still, it wasn’t enough. And the thing is, I still think she would have taken him back if he had shown up again. That’s why I think you couldn’t hate someone if you’ve ever truly loved them. My mother didn’t even know that my first girlfriend - my first love, had died after getting hit by a car. She didn’t know Aden was at the top of his class and was above average. She didn’t see us. But we still loved her. We convinced ourselves that she still loved us too. I think Aden stopped believing that after she died. I still try to hold onto it. Because I remember how amazing she had been once. I remember when she felt like a mom. And that will always stick with me.” 

Clarke dug her fingernails into her palms at the knowledge Lexa had just provided her with. The most put together, most wealthy, most smart, and most powerful CEO had a childhood so dark, even a million candles couldn’t light it back up. She had suffered and grieved and she had climbed back up out of it all on her own. She made this future for herself. She made it possible to get this wonderful house. She worked hard to be in the position she was in at Praimfaya. She did it all, even after the world split apart on her and fell to her shoulders. Clarke felt proud. She looked at that woman and felt a lot of things. But, god. Lexa was someone to look up to. 

“That’s why I saved you that night,” Lexa said after she let her words sink in. “You have so much to look forward to. Although you may feel like you aren’t, you’re loved.” 

A stubborn tear rolled down Clarke’s cheek, and the blonde hastily wiped it away and broke her gaze with Lexa in embarrassment. Only she should have known Lexa would never judge her.

“I lost my dad this year,” Clarke croaked out. She thought saying it out loud would make her want to shove it back in. She thought it would terrify her. But it felt good. It felt good talking about it. And with Lexa, she felt comfortable. Like she wasn’t being forced to talk about it. She wanted to. She wanted Lexa to know her.

“He was driving one night and got into an accident.” The words were thick on her tongue, but for once, her throat didn’t swell up as she delivered them. 

“The doctors said he died instantly. The only thing I was glad about was the fact he didn’t feel pain. But it was almost like it was a nightmare. Like it couldn’t be real. It couldn’t happen to him. He was my best friend. And he was just gone. No more long nights sitting on the back porch, drinking lemonade and talking about art or history or existence. No more hugs from him after long days. No more advice about things I couldn’t understand. No more days in his life. I just didn’t want to believe he was gone. It was hard. Life didn’t seem worth it after he was gone. Bad things were happening before that, but then he died and everything spiraled out of control for me. I had never felt so low in my life. It was such a strange feeling. I was in stuck in bed too. For months. I felt so pathetic. But I couldn’t do anything about it. Then I lost my apartment. I lost everything. I had nowhere to go. I just didn’t know what to do. And I didn’t really have the energy to try and figure it out.” 

Lexa didn’t know why her heart felt like it was going to combust. Maybe it’s because if she were a couple seconds late, Clarke wouldn’t be here sitting in her living room, breathing and feeling. Maybe it was because they were spilling their guts to each other and it wasn’t scary. Maybe it was because she felt thankful that she could do something to save this girl. That this one was alive to enter her life. She was so happy she decided to go home early from work that night. She was happy she stopped when she did. 

“I’m really glad you pulled me up from the side of that bridge, Lexa.” Clarke finally looked into her eyes again. There was nothing but truth and gratefulness looking back at her. “I’m glad it was you.” 

Clarke’s hand slid into Lexa’s palm, and Lexa accepted it softly. She ran her thumbs over Clarke’s knuckles and bit her lip before slowly leaning in. Her lips pressed a soft kiss to Clarke’s soft cheek. When she leant back, Clarke’s eyes were lidded. Not in a sexual way, but a content way. Lexa didn’t think she could turn back from her feelings for her now. Not anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The girl I'm in love with motivated me to write this chapter. It's a huge milestone between Clarke and Lexa. Things are only going to develop more from here. I hope you all enjoyed! Comments and Kudos make my heart shiver with delight. Much love!


	5. If You Never Try You'll Never Know

Lexa lived for her days off. She loved work, she really did. And there was no one who could do her job better. But sometimes stress got the best of her and she just needed to distress herself being in her own home relaxing. Being in her own home with Clarke. But these days off included something Lexa always looked forward to. Christmas was just in a few days and Lexa knew just what she was getting Clarke. She’d seen the little doodles Clarke had drawn on her napkin whilst Lexa was in the bathroom whenever they went out for lunch or dinner, and they were amazing to say the least. She’d even caught Clarke constantly gazing upon Aden’s art that hung on her living room walls. Lexa, out of all people, could spot an artist anywhere. And she knew Clarke was definitely an artist. An artist with an extreme talent akin to her younger brother’s. 

Despite the lack of holiday spirit in her childhood, Lexa absolutely adored Christmas. She loved the cozy feeling it gave. She loved the fire flicking softly in the fireplace as the snow roared outside. She adored having Aden and Anya sitting in her living room, opening presents as the christmas carols surrounded them from the speakers. And now, Clarke was going to be apart of it. Lexa was little more excited about that fact more than she’d like to admit. 

That’s why when she planned out the day with Clarke, she tried not to smile so big. But she was sure it was showing either way. That was, until Clarke spoke up from her unusual silence she’d adopted all day. 

“Lex, I don’t think I can do Christmas,” Clarke had sighed and rolled a red ribbon between her thumbs.

They had been wrapping presents for everyone. Lexa had already wrapped Clarke’s presents and hid one in the laundry room (Clarke would never think to check there) the night before so as to not ruin the surprise. If Clarke knew she was getting her a present, she’d surely back away and disappear for the happiest day of the year. Lexa just couldn’t have that. 

“What do you mean? You don’t have to get me a present, Clarke. That’s not all this holiday is about.” 

“I know. I just,” Clarke sighed once more. “I just don’t want to intrude on your family during the holiday.” 

Lexa dropped the box she had been wrapping onto the coffee table with a loud thunk and tried not to feel hurt over Clarke’s flinch. 

“Clarke. You are family.” 

“God, Lexa,” Clarke scoffed and stood from the sofa to pace back and forth. “We’ve known each other for a month. You let me stay here. We talk. But I’m not family. I’m no one’s family.”

“Time doesn’t matter,” Lexa could feel her stoic face slip on. She couldn’t help it. It was the only way she could deal with situations like this.

“I don’t ‘let you stay here’ Clarke. You earn your keep. You’re my friend and I care about you.” 

“Yeah, I’m your friend. A good friend, right? But I don’t belong here, do I? How have I earned the right to even be here at all?” 

Through Clarke’s building rage, she hadn’t even seen Lexa stomp over to her. Lexa wrapped her fingers around Clarke’s wrist and gingerly yet harshly yanked her hand up to her chest. Lexa placed Clarke’s hand flat against her chest, right over her left breast, right over her erratically beating heart. 

“Because you make my heart do this,” Lexa croaked through a dry throat. Her tongue was fat and heavy in her desert of a mouth and she felt as if she had swallowed a bunch of gravel and spider webs. She’d never heard her voice so deep before. It was shocking. But from the color on Clarke’s cheeks, she could tell it was being appreciated. 

“No one has been able to do that since Costia.” 

It was a bold thing to say. But it was the truth. And Lexa wasn’t one to lie. Keep her feelings locked away inside of her until they forced themselves out? Yes. But lie? No. She couldn’t lie. Not to Clarke. And it seems that she couldn’t really keep her feelings locked away that easily when it came to Clarke either. The blonde brought it out of her like she was Clarke’s favorite whiskey that always budged. It flowed effortless without her even trying. Clarke had popped her open, and now it was only beginning. With Lexa’s own knowledge of herself, she knew it wouldn’t stop any time soon.

They were so close their noses were almost touching. Lexa’s heart had yet to slow down, it sped up rather, and Clarke’s fingers subconsciously dug into the material of Lexa’s old Christmas sweater. It had reindeer on it and snowflakes in different patterns against an overall color of blue. Lexa’s favorite color. Clarke had laughed when she first saw Lexa wearing it earlier that morning, but she secretly found it to be adorable. She found Lexa to be the cutest thing she’d seen in a long time. But cute was far from Clarke’s mind at the very moment. Lexa’s eyes were going back and forth between Clarke’s lidded eyes and her parted lips. Clarke’s own heart began to race at the thought of kissing Lexa’s tender plump lips. She’d dreamt of it since the night she met Lexa. Since Lexa saved her life. But she felt she never deserved someone as good as Lexa and willed herself to stop dreaming of things she didn’t deserve. But, she couldn’t help it in that moment. Not with Lexa so close to her. Not when the air was heavy and they had unriddled and real passion surrounding them. Call it her Christmas gift. 

Clarke tipped her chin up, leaning not even an inch closer, and Lexa was dipping her head, ready to feel Clarke’s lips against hers. Ready to show her just how much she meant to her. Their lips were nearly touching, connected by one stitch of skin on their upper lips when the front door was being unlocked down the hallway. They jumped apart and fell back against the leather black couch both in shock. Their lips hadn’t even really touched, but Lexa could feel hers tingling almost painfully. Clarke’s lips were throbbing along with other not so subtle parts of her body. She almost kissed Lexa. Lexa almost kissed her. 

The living room was stifling for such a cold winter day, even Anya commented on it when she walked into the living room with a couple of shopping bags on her arms. She was babbling on about the ice on Lexa’s pathway before she dropped her bags unceremoniously beside the coffee table and set her eyes on the two girls on the couch. Lexa had her elbows resting against her knees as she leant forward and rubbed the back of her neck vigorously. Anya detected it right away. Lexa was stressed or scared or both. Then she looked over to Clarke, whom she hadn’t met before, and watched as the girl patted at her reddened cheeks and basically face palmed. The situation wrote itself out, and Anya gained a shit eating grin. 

“Didn’t barge into something did I?” She grinned and plopped down into the soft recliner diagonal from them. 

“We were just uh-” Lexa’s voice was no longer low and husky, but high and cracked. 

“Wrapping presents,” Clarke supplied when Lexa couldn’t find the words. 

“Wrapping presents aye?” Anya narrowed her eyes at the pair. Before she could take a good look at Lexa, the brunette had jumped up and pointed a finger around her. 

“Turn around! Or go into the kitchen! Now,” She was using her commander voice, and Anya knew better than to argue with the commander. 

“Alright damn, ya tight ass. I was gonna go raid your fridge anyway.” 

Anya disappeared around the corner and into the kitchen without another word, and Lexa turned to Clarke abruptly, eyeing her apologetically. 

“Can you help me put these in my closet? Anya’s really snoopy when it comes to her gifts. I don’t want to have to kick her ass this year.” 

Clarke chuckled as the stifling air began to get thinner. “Of course. She kind of reminds me of one of my best friends.” 

Lexa marvelled inwardly at Clarke’s words. She loved learning new things about her, even the small things. Clarke hadn’t told her about her friends yet. She hoped she would sometime soon. 

“I’ll introduce you properly when we come back downstairs,” Lexa smiled. 

Clarke smiled bashfully and helped Lexa pick up the presents and the wrapping paper. Their dynamic had definitely changed within those few lust filled minutes and neither of them knew exactly what to do about it. 

They marched up the stairs, ribbons nearly falling out of their arms, and scraps of wrapping paper dangling from the heap of items they held. Anya yelled something from the kitchen to the extent that they better not fuck for too long, that they had to go pick Aden up from his uni soon. The redness returned to both of their faces as they hurried away from Anya’s mocking voice. 

Pushing the door open with her shoulder, Lexa led Clarke into her spacious bedroom as if it were nothing. Clarke hadn’t seen Lexa’s room at all until then. And she was simply amazed. Surprised? No. But yes, amazed. There were paintings lining the walls, some framed, some not. Her bed was expertly made with a small teddy bear sitting atop of the pillows, smiling happily. Some old book shelves lined the wall by the door, and the far wall had diamond holes in it, leaving a space between itself and the window. Sunlight filtered through them and casted diamond and swirl patterns on the freshly vacuumed floor. It was a beautiful room. It was so… Lexa. 

Lexa walked to the double doors against the wall across the bed, and dropped the stuff carefully to the floor in front of it. She then walked behind the diamond carved wall and bent over to something. Curious, Clarke followed her and found Lexa bending over a desk with a computer and tons of papers on it. She lifted the keyboard and popped the back of it off. A key clanked to the hard wood of the desk and Lexa picked it up in victory. When she turned, she smiled at Clarke.

“I’ve nothing to hide so I don’t mind you know where the key is. Anya just likes to try. It’s funny, really.” 

Clarke nodded and bit her lip, willing herself not to smile at Lexa’s cleverness. The woman was a charmer. It was hard not smiling in Lexa’s presence. For her at least. Whenever Clarke had heard rumors about the CEO previously when her life hadn’t been so destroyed, she always heard people say how much of a bitchy snob she was. But she really wasn’t. The woman Clarke knew was soft and kind and generous. None of those people truly knew Lexa. It irritated her they’d say such awful things about the most amazing person she knew. People were always so quick to judge. 

“I’ll take that,” Lexa smiled warmly and took the items practically spilling from Clarke’s arms. 

Lexa walked over to the the closet and unlocked it with ease, then disappeared into it with the Christmas presents in her arms. Clarke felt ashamed that she wished she was in her arms instead. 

Clarke turned and gasped at the view outside of the window. There were mountains and trees everywhere, and even a large round lake. It was so different from the view from the living room window where you could see almost every bit of the bustling bright city. It was tranquil and peaceful. It was calming. A nice contrast to everything else Lexa had to live through each day. Each time Clarke got any glimpse into Lexa’s life, she wasn’t disappointed. She felt thankful even. Like a reading a book she never wanted to put down. A book she never wanted to end. But she knew it would eventually. Her heart sank. Her thoughts could never remain positive. It annoyed her to no end. 

She turned swiftly on her heel and walked over to Lexa’s desk, taking in the clean mess. Papers skewed about, but were perfectly aligned with one another. There were books in thick volumes about art and literature stacked against the monitor. Clarke ran her finger over their spines and rubbed the dust against her jeans. She picked up a stack of papers and examined them closely. She felt bad for being nosy, but she read the title and felt compelled to not put it down. ‘May We Meet Again In The Sky.’ 

 

If I could make it rain  
I would  
I would make it come down  
In thousands  
To wash away the hurt  
From beneath your exterior  
I would rub it all  
Into your skin  
I would collect the droplets  
From the tips of your hair  
I would hold your hand  
Even after the storm leaves  
And I’ve still got you here with me 

 

Clarke felt a lump form in her throat as she read the words. She didn’t know why it had hit home so hard. She had told Lexa before that she loved the rain because it refreshes the soul. It reminds her that she’s not the only one that drowns her inconveniences in tears. Her heart was thudding away in her chest again. What a rollercoaster it had been on in just a few hours. Before she could talk herself out of crying, Lexa walked up beside her and stared at her. 

“You wrote this?” Clarke said after licking her lips. Her voice was huskier than normal. A knot of emotion and curiosity. 

“I did,” Lexa confirmed. 

“I didn’t know you like to write.” 

“It’s just a side hobby of mine,” Lexa shrugged as if it was nothing and softly took the paper from Clarke’s hands and setting it somewhere on the desk. She worried at her lip, feeling herself panic. Surely, she scared Clarke away for sure now. She just had to be a romantic sap all of the damn time. It was going to ruin her one day. 

“It’s beautiful, Lexa.” Clarke was being earnest. Those words made her feel open and wanted. They made her feel seen. Seen by big green eyes that made her knees weak and her heart desperate. 

“I could do better, I didn’t really-” 

“Hey, Lexa no,” Clarke interrupted the babbling brunette and settled her hand against her flaming cheek before she could truly think about it. The gesture shocked them both, but Clarke didn’t pull away. Not when feeling Lexa’s skin against hers sent ripples of shocks through her entire body. Not when she craved the slightest touch. 

“Don’t talk yourself down like that. That poem was beautiful. It made me feel things. And you know how hard it’s been for me to feel anything but numb and hurt. That made me feel good. You create waves of emotion within people with those words. And I’d really like to read more sometime if you’d ever let me.” 

Lexa’s heart felt like it stopped. Flopped down and died in her chest. How was it that this girl could do these things to her so easily? She was the commander of Praimfaya, dammit. And this beautiful blonde woman comes into her life, and she’s just a puddle of feelings. But, really, Lexa wouldn’t have it any other way. Her mother had always told her that love was weakness. That loving gets you hurt. And for awhile after Costia, Lexa believed her. But, she found those thoughts withering away as she looked into Clarke’s soft blue eyes that said a million things she couldn’t say aloud. She pressed her cheek further into Clarke’s palm and decided to do something before she could talk herself out of it. She turned her head so she could place a chaste, long kiss to Clarke’s palm. Her lips began to tingle once more, to no surprise. 

Clarke’s lips parted and her quickened breathing was apparent with how much her chest heaved. Lexa would give anything to just give in to what she was feeling for Clarke. She wanted it more than she’d wanted anything in a long time. She could kiss her. And Clarke would kiss her back. 

“Hey, horndogs!” Anya’s shrill voice rang up the stairs yet again jolting the pair apart. “We gotta go pick up little man! Stop screwing and let’s go!” 

“Dammit, Anya,” Lexa cursed under her breath and gave Clarke an apologetic look. 

“It’s okay, Lex. We’ve got all the time in the world.” 

Lexa took the blonde’s hand in hers and ran her thumb over her knuckles, eyeing her nervously. 

“Does that mean you’ll celebrate Christmas with us?” 

Clarke couldn’t say no when she looked at Lexa excited and hopeful. She didn’t want to say no anymore. Her thoughts have kept her from so many things already. Hell, she almost ended her life because of them. She wasn’t going to let them ruin her this time. She wasn’t going to ruin Christmas for Lexa. She was going to enjoy it with her. Like normal people do. 

“Of course I will,” Clarke grinned and let out a chuckle when Lexa pulled her into a warm hug. They stood there for a few moments, holding each other. Breathing one another in. Then loud, blaring honking ended the moment. 

“She’s persistent,” Clarke grumbled. 

“Yeah,” Lexa sighed. “She only wants to leave early so we can stop by Starbucks. She always does this.”

“It is hot chocolate season after all,” Clarke waggled her eyebrows. 

“Hot chocolate it is then,” Lexa’s smile nearly took up her whole face. It was a beautiful sight. 

Lexa sat in the back of the car with Clarke and Anya complained about the fact that she wasn’t an Uber driver, and she should at least be getting paid at that rate. Anya was nice to Clarke, though and after they bonded over hot cocoa and binge watching The Good Place, it was almost like they were best friends. 

“I like this one,” Anya muttered around her latte and drove away from the festive starbucks. Lexa hid her smile against the rim of her hot chocolate and giggled at the sight of the foamy brown mustache above Clarke’s lip after she sipped. She wanted so badly to lick it off. To kiss it off. The ride was filled with Christmas carols and Anya’s drunken stories from college. Nothing else could be better than that. 

 

Aden looked a lot light Lexa. That was Clarke’s first thought when they greeted him and he hopped into the front seat. His eyes weren’t as big, but they were almost as green as Lexa’s. He had dirty blonde hair instead of brown, and his nose was pointier. But he was nearly a spitting image of his sister. He was tall, too. His voice was deep and he had flecks of paint on his cheek that no one bothered to tell him to wash off. Clarke knew they were going to get along. Artists know one another’s struggles. They connect that way. 

“So Clarke, who’s your favorite singer or band?” Aden asked from the front seat. Him and Anya had been arguing over music for a whole part of twenty minutes. Anya loved Madonna, Aden liked The Front Bottoms. They scrunched their noses at each other’s choices. 

“I really love Keaton Henson,” Clarke shrugged, not expecting any of them to know who she was talking about. 

Aden’s jaw dropped, but he quickly closed it. He shook his head with a knowing grin and turned to Anya. 

“I’ll bet you they’ll get married one day.” 

Anya scoffed. “I bet you 100 bucks it happens next year. In March.” 

“Well I bet it’s in November.”

“Guys,” Lexa intruded with a warning in her raised brow and commander voice.

“Okay okay,” Aden raised his hands up in mock surrender. 

Anya glanced at the young man and winked. They were definitely shaking on it later. 

Clarke would’ve freaked out about the idea of marriage if it involved anyone else. And that was all the more terrifying. But Lexa was slowly becoming her rock. Her confidant. And the more she thought about it, the more she didn’t think she’d mind a future with Lexa in it. She couldn’t imagine one without her. Which was a big red flag. She was growing feelings. She was beginning to feel. 

“10am Gare Du Nord,” Lexa whispered in her ear.

Clarke glanced up at Lexa and her breath caught in her throat. Lexa’s eyes held so much emotion, she could practically feel it being poured into her. For the millionth time that day, she so badly wanted to kiss her.

“Small Hands,” Clarke whispered back. 

Lexa nodded and fought off the smile threatening the edges of her lips. The rest of the ride home was filled with Anya shouting along to Madonna songs on the radio, and Aden joining in after he was done being stubborn. Lexa’s hand ended up in Clarke’s somehow. Neither of them minded. 

 

///////////////////////////////////////////

 

The week went by fast enough, and Clarke had gotten to know Aden and Anya really well. Aden was passionate about his art. They talked about their favorite artists, and Clarke even admitted she drew from time to time, but wasn't any good at it. Lexa knew that was an absolute lie if she’d ever heard one. And Clarke learned Anya was a veterinarian with her own animal clinic. For such a pompous and unabashedly inappropriate woman, she had a huge heart and Clarke could see it well enough from miles away. She enjoyed their company highly, and was glad they were giving her a chance to know them. 

She learned a lot about Lexa over the week too. More than she had in a whole month. She learned she had every album and single of Keaton Henson on her bookshelf. She learned Lexa’s favorite ice cream was mint chocolate or strawberry and there was no in between (save maybe chocolate depending on what day it was). She learned Lexa’s favorite poet was Lang Leav. She learned Lexa had never been a big fan of Harry Potter. Hasn’t read any of the books or really seen any of the movies. Aden was even shocked to figure it out. He made them take a test to see which houses they were in. Clarke got Slytherin and Lexa got Hufflepuff. 

“Hmm, thought it would be the other way around,” Anya snickered. 

“And what are you then, An?” Lexa asked and downed her beer. 

“Proudly a Ravenclaw.” 

“Guess we have a member of each house in here. I’m a gryffindor,” Aden said and clapped his laptop shut. 

“It’s strange. I should be in gryffindor considering it has part of my last name,” Clarke blurted out. She realized she hadn’t even told Lexa her last name. Lexa glanced at her and clanked her bottle against Clarke’s. 

“Clarke Griffin?” She asked. 

Clarke nodded. 

“Wait, you’re Clarke Griffin?” Aden squinted as he asked as if he’d be able to recognize Clarke although he hadn’t met her before coming to Lexa’s for Christmas. 

“I’ve heard of a really good artist named Clarke Griffin that used to go to my uni. Doesn’t go there anymore though.” 

Clarke’s eyes widened. She was silently begging him with a hard look to shut up. To let it go. She was glad Aden was perceptive and smart. Realization glazed over his eyes and he shook his head. 

“Must’ve been someone different though. I heard it was like five years ago anyway.” The lie was a nice touch, and she was convinced she was saved. She had no idea Lexa was onto her though. Lexa knew she was an artist. She found the crumpled up papers in the kitchen trash can and the slight doodles on Clarke’s wrist here and there. If there was a reason Clarke didn’t want Lexa to know about her art, then Lexa wouldn’t push her. She knew anyway, but Clarke would figure that out on Christmas. 

“Let’s play some Mario Kart,” Anya jumped up, completely oblivious to what just passed between everyone. 

“I’m definitely up for kicking your ass in Mario Kart,” Aden perked up and helped Anya set up the game. 

“You wish, little man.”

Clarke glanced to Lexa only to find the woman already staring at her. It was almost creepy how they could communicate just through looks. Lexa’s face told her she understood. She wasn’t going to judge. Clarke’s told her she’d know soon. She trusted her. She trusted her with her life. 

 

///

 

Christmas morning was a concept Clarke hadn’t thought about for a couple of years. She knew how it worked. Everyone was wide awake in the early hours of the morning, excited to stay in and enjoy the festive holiday with people dearest to them. And really, no matter how much Clarke tried to tell herself she wasn’t, she truly was excited. She was excited to give Lexa the present she thought she wasn’t getting. She was excited to help Lexa cook a big dinner just for the four of them. She was excited to get away from her nasty thoughts and just spend the day with the people she was slowly but surely growing close to. 

When Lexa snuck into her room at six in the morning and got under the covers next to Clarke, she smelled of peaches and warm cookies. Her hair was perfect despite having just woken up, and her feet were icy cold against Clarke’s bare legs. Clarke yelped when she felt them press to her calves. She turned over to give Lexa a meaningful glare, but couldn’t when she saw how big Lexa’s smile was. She could just imagine Lexa as a little girl, giddy and happy over some snow that stuck to the ground, and excited to open her presents. The image made Clarke’s chest feel warm. 

“Merry Christmas, Clarke,” Lexa whispered in excitement. 

Lexa’s grin was infectious. Clarke felt her smile grow too. 

“Merry Christmas, Lexa. Can we sleep for a little longer?” 

“Just a little while longer,” Lexa conceded and buried herself deeper into the covers. 

Clarke shifted so she was laying on her side. After thinking about it for the better part of ten minutes, Clarke shifted until she was pressed up against Lexa’s warm body. She rested her head on Lexa’s chest and draped her arm over her stomach. Her body was tense until she felt Lexa’s warm arms circle around her and bring her closer. They fell asleep shortly after that. They slept for an hour and a half, and when they woke up, the clock on Clarke’s bedside table read 7:30am. 

 

The sight before her made her feel as if she were a kid again. There dozens of wrapped presents under the Christmas tree, and the christmas lights twinkled all around the living room. There was a plate of cookies on the end table, with four steaming cups of hot chocolate surrounding it. Christmas music played softly over the tv speakers as Bing Crosby’s face hit the corners inside of the television screen. The snow from outside was thick and fluffy, and it gathered in three feet on the ground. Clarke sighed happily at the entirety of it. Lexa put so much effort into making this a good Christmas for everyone. She looked over at the brunette who smiled at her softly. A gush of appreciation filled her chest. She surged over and enveloped Lexa into a tight, warm hug. She then placed a tender kiss to her cheek. They stared into each other’s eyes for a moment taking one another in. Not wanting to miss a thing. 

“Can’t get a room right now, lovebirds. It’s Christmas!” Anya whooped from behind them as she descended the stairs and plopped onto the black leather sofa. 

Aden was right behind her. He hugged Lexa warmly muttering a ‘Merry Christmas Lex’ before making his way to Clarke and hugging her as well. Clarke was slightly shocked, but she didn’t show it. She let it happen and hugged him back, feeling the old telltale feeling of family creep up into her once more. She thought she’d forgotten the feeling. She thought she never would again. But here she was, surrounded by people who wanted her there. People who accepted her. 

“Merry Christmas, Clarke. I’m glad you’re here.” 

“Merry Christmas, Aden. I’m glad I’m here too.” 

Aden rubbed at his sleepy eyes and smiled at Lexa and Clarke with as much warmth as a beautiful summer day could hold. Maybe more. Clarke hadn’t felt so happy in months. In a year. A damn year went by without feeling as good as she did in that moment and it was all because of Lexa. 

“Enough with the sappy stuff, we’ve got Christmas presents to open!” Anya said after sipping the hot cocoa in a hot slurp. 

“Can’t forget we’ve got a grown child here,” Lexa rolled her eyes and made her way to the sofa and sat. Clarke landed right beside her. Their thighs touched and Lexa couldn’t help the tingles running through her. It was such a strange feeling. Having a person affect you like a drug. A good drug. She and Clarke had something. They had chemistry. That is, if Clarke felt it too. 

Clarke did. She dug her nails into the arm of the sofa at the ripples of tingles running through her thighs. Just because of a small touch from Lexa. It made her head spin. 

“Jesus Lex,” Anya hooted from beside the tree as she pulled box after box of presents into her lap. “Guess it pays having a CEO for a best friend.” 

“Shut up and open them, knucklehead.” 

Aden sat across Anya in his old band T and flannel pajama bottoms as well as his slippers, pulling his own presents from the never ending hole that was the bottom of the tree. He discarded them to his side until he pulled a large box out and pushed it over to Lexa’s feet. 

“That’s for you,” he grunted as he pulled yet another present under the tree and pushed that to Clarke. “And that’s for Clarke.” 

“Oh Aden, I couldn’t possibly-” 

“Open it, Griffin,” Aden shushed Clarke’s protests with a warm smile. 

Clarke looked to Lexa for help, but the brunette just shrugged with a smirk on her face and nodded to the gift. 

Clarke picked it up and felt her hands shake. She felt pampered. Spoiled. She felt she didn’t deserve any of this. But she promised herself she would silence her bad thoughts. She wouldn’t ruin this special day.

She tore open the present, dropping the ripped wrapping paper into a pile next to her on the couch, and giggled once she saw the green fabric. She pulled out a slytherin scarf as well as a mug that said “I may be a slytherin but my other half is a Hufflepuff.” Clarke sobbed out a laugh and held the scarf to her chest. 

“Thank you so much, Aden.” 

“No worries. I had to. I guess now you know what your present is, Lex.” 

Lexa laughed and tore into hers. She got a yellow hufflepuff scarf with a a mug that said the same as Clarke, only the house names were switched in the sentence. It was the cutest gift she’d gotten. She thanked her brother with a hug and urged him to open his presents. 

“Hey, what about your other sister?” Anya protested. Aden slid a box over to Anya and let it hit her foot in a small tap. 

“That’s what I thought.” Anya laughed as she threw a present at Aden. Everything was so light and carefree, Clarke felt like she was floating. Almost like being drunk, but aware of things and without the consequences. She preferred this over any type of alcohol any day. 

Anya got Lexa a thick package of Lang Leav books, and got Clarke some of the best chocolates from France. When Clarke asked how she got them, she said she had a friend send them. Clarke thought of Raven, Octavia and Lincoln, and felt a pang of sadness. It was a little pang, but she wished they could be there with them. She hoped their holiday was going as good as hers. 

Anya flipped out over the fifty dollar gift card to Starbucks that Clarke had gotten her, and Aden sported the black christmas sweater decorated with aliens and UFO’s that Clarke had gotten him. She remember Aden talking passionately about two things; art and aliens. She wasn’t going to pass up the christmas sweater. She managed to get him a set of shade pencils as well. He was beyond thankful, and hugged her. He whispered something to Lexa after he let Clarke go, but Clarke didn’t catch it. 

When they were all cleaning up the aftermath of the presents, Clarke pulled Lexa aside into the kitchen, and pulled a small wrapped gift from her back. She prompted Lexa to take it, so Lexa did. Lexa’s hands shook as she gingerly unwrapped her gift. Clarke gently gripped her hip, silently telling her it’s okay. Lexa’s hands stopped shaking and she beamed down at the leather book in her hands. It read in gold font on the front, ‘POEMS’. There was also an eight pack of Lexa’s favorite fine tip black roller ball pens. Clarke knew Lexa had been picky with her choice of writing utensils. She had listened. Lexa felt a tear run down her cheek. Clarke caught it with her finger. 

“I just wanted you to have a place where all of your poems go. They deserve better than to be scattered all over your desk. They deserve to be preserved in a beautiful place. And whenever you feel the urge to write, or get a thought, you can just take it out and jot it down. You’re talented, Lex. With so many things. You could do something with your writing if you ever really wanted to. I know you don’t really have to. You’re a badass hotshot CEO. But I still think your writing is worth something. And even if you don’t ever want to share it, I still think having a place to keep it all will help, and-” 

Lexa wanted to kiss her. She had wanted it for awhile. But now, she didn’t think she could stop herself. Not for her sake or Clarke’s. She didn’t want to stop herself. She wanted to kiss Clarke until her legs gave out, until her head spun so much she would become so deliciously dizzy. She wanted to kiss Clarke’s lips until hers were bruised and swollen in the most satisfying way. She was going to. 

A throat was being cleared, and this time neither of them jumped. But Lexa was ready to kill whoever interrupted them. She looked over with a look that could kill, but her face softened when she saw her brother. Only a little. 

“Um, Lex. It’s ready,” He winked and walked back into the living room. 

Lexa forgot she even asked Aden to help. She was so caught up in her lust for Clarke, she forgot that she had Clarke’s gift ready too. 

“What’s ready?” Clarke asked and rubbed her thumb over Lexa’s hip bone. Lexa shivered and took Clarke’s hand. She was so wound up, she was sure she was going to spring open soon. She was going to kiss Clarke soon. There was no other way around it. 

“Come on.” 

 

They stood outside of a door at the end of the hall. The one Lexa had kept locked and told Clarke she was forbidden to go in. Clarke was curious about what was in there but decided to leave it be. She wasn’t sure if she was secretly hoping Lexa had a Mr.Grey side or not. She guessed she wouldn’t be opposed to the idea. 

Lexa reached her hand into her shirt over her breast, and Clarke’s mouth went dry. Lexa pulled a key out of her bra with a knowing smirk and Clarke’s cheeks flushed crimson. 

“I’ve been working on this since you started work. Sometimes I’d come home early when you’d still be working and I’d work until my shift was over and come get you. I had to make it perfect.” 

Clarke’s heart began to race. It did that so often around Lexa. She was almost afraid Lexa could hear just how hard it was thumping. 

Lexa leant down and unlocked the door with a loud click and looked at Clarke with a nervous smile. She pushed the door open and gestured for Clarke to enter. So Clarke did. 

She gasped once she stepped into the room. The walls were painted a warm green with splashes of blue and black. Some of Clarke’s old artwork was framed and hung up on the walls and she couldn’t even begin to wonder how Lexa was able to find it. In fact, a bunch of the old stuff she had in her previous apartment was there. Stuff like her old desk, her sofa, favorite paintings, and her favorite blankets. Against the large window overlooking the city was a brand new paint easel. And on her old desk sat loads of new art materials that ranged from paints, watercolors, colored pencils, markers, pencils, pens, and everything else a blooming artist could need. Clarke didn’t even realize she was crying until Lexa was in front of her, cupping her face in her hands, soothing her. 

“H-how did you?” She was sobbing, clinging to Lexa as if she were a lifeline. In all literal fact, Lexa was her lifeline. She had been for a long time. 

“I knew you were an artist just by watching you draw. You draw all of the time, Clarke. You’re so good at it. It makes you happy and I love seeing you happy. As for all of your old stuff, I called your friend Octavia, the one who called you at the diner. I got her number from Echo. Turns out they knew each other awhile ago. She gave me your old address but said you might not live there anymore, which I mean, go figure,” Lexa chuckled. “So she told me you two shared a storage on Jasper Road. She gave me the code and I got some of your stuff. Just wanted to make you feel a little more at home. This is your art room. If you ever just need to get away and detox, come in here and lock the door. No one will bother you.” 

Clarke couldn’t even form words. How in the hell did Lexa pull this off without Clarke even noticing the slightest bit? How did Clarke get so lucky to even meet Lexa? To be saved by her own toxic shit by this gorgeous, sweet woman? She opened her mouth and snapped it shut again. Words just wouldn’t form. So she did what she had been wanting to do for ages. 

She kissed her. 

Clarke Griffin kissed Lexa Woods and didn’t feel the slight bit guilty about it. 

Lexa moaned softly when Clarke crashed their lips together. It was like she had been holding her breath for so long and she was finally getting air. She massaged Clarke’s lips with her own in a passionate kiss that welded them together and gave no room to part. They grasped onto each other like if they let go the slightest bit, they’d disappear. They pulled each other impossibly closer, lips mending together, hips knocking together, chest pushing against one another as they heaved heavy breaths, tongues against tongues, hands tangled in hair. It was too good to be true. But it was true. It was real. And to Clarke, it felt so fucking good. To Lexa, it felt otherworldly. It felt so right. 

When they came up for air, Lexa rested her forehead on Clarke’s. Their breathing was harsh and they clutched at each other. Not an inch separated them. They breathed each other in. Basked in their newfound desire. Well, desire that was extremely heightened. 

“So I take it you like it?” Lexa breathed out with a smile. 

Clarke laughed and leaned in to kiss her once more. 

“I love it, Lexa. I absolutely love it. Thank you so much.” 

“I’m glad you kissed me,” Lexa admitted. “I’d have kissed you anyway.” 

“Oh really?” Clarke smirked. “Why’s that?” 

Lexa grinned and pointed up to the ceiling. 

Clarke looked up at the plant dangling from the ceiling with a red ribbon around its stem. 

“Mistletoe,” Lexa shrugged. 

Clarke giggled and leaned in to kiss Lexa once more. This was officially the best Christmas Clarke ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowza this chapter is long. This chapter is dedicated to the girl I love. I bet y'all think I'm a big Harry Potter fan. Sadly, I'm just like Lexa in that department. My Girlfriend loves Harry Potter though and we have a plan to watch all if the movies soon. And I thought, what better than put some HP into Clexa? Kudos and comments make my heart alight with love and motivation. I hope you all enjoyed and I'll update soon! PS - I love you Jess. You make my heart thud all of the time and I constantly want to kiss you and hold you. Thank you for being my number one fan and supporting me.


	6. Tears Stream Down Your Face

(Note - Listen to Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol if you can whilst reading this chapter). 

Warriors cry too. Lexa used to tell herself that when she felt weak and alone sitting on the floor, back against the wall in her room. She used to tell herself that she was strong like the warriors in her favorite storybook. The commander, a woman of honor and justice, cried too when she was sad. And she was the strongest woman there was. That’s how Lexa let herself know it was okay to feel. 

Seeing Clarke cry was a whole other emotion all on its own. It was painful and beautiful and grim. It was heart gripping and Lexa didn’t know what to do. She just wanted to hold her. Make all of her pain go away. But that wouldn’t help. It just wouldn’t do. It’s like watching a burning building filled with everything you’ve ever loved, crashed down and not being able to do a single thing to stop it. It was terrifying. It made Lexa feel helpless. 

After their shared kisses on Christmas day, things had been great. They cooked Christmas dinner, nearly burnt the turkey, but it turned out just right. Aden had left the next day to meet someone at his uni, but Anya had stayed. They were having fun and got to know each other more and more. Lexa hadn’t ever seen Clarke any happier and it was the most glorious thing. Whenever Clarke smiled, Lexa felt like she was flying. 

But the smiling soon stopped. So did the talking. Clarke grew distant. And Lexa found herself missing the sound of Clarke’s voice. She missed the growing light that began to circle around Clarke around Christmas. It fell gone a week shortly after. Anya even noticed the change, but didn’t dare open her mouth about it. She knew better without even knowing. Because she could tell Lexa was affected by it too. 

So when Anya said her mother was coming to stay for a few days, Lexa brightened up. Anya’s mom became a mother figure to Lexa in high school, especially when her own mother died. Clarke finally smiled at seeing Lexa so happy. But what was a smile turned into a pained contortion of the face and Clarke stayed in her room for the rest of the day. And when Indra pulled up in her black Cadillac, Clarke peeked through the curtains of her window to see a short woman greet Lexa and Anya in a warm hug. Lexa looked up at Clarke’s window and caught a glimpse of the blonde before a pale fist let go of the curtains and she disappeared again. Lexa’s heart was aching. 

Yes, warriors cry. Clarke was one of them. And Lexa wished she could stop it. But everyone needs to cry sometimes. It still didn’t make it okay that she was going through pain. Pain apparent in her red rimmed eyes and her chewed lips, bitten nails. Lexa saw right away when she walked into Clarke’s room. The curtains were pulled shut, the room was a bath of darkness. Clarke was swaddled up under two duvets, and her shoulders were shaking with sobs. Her blonde hair was pulled up in a messy bun with wild strands falling out. Lexa new many types of heart break. But the sight of Clarke right then in that state, was by far the worst. 

Lexa closed the door shut quietly behind her and avoided the creaky patch of floor and stepped over to Clarke’s bed. Clarke only cried harder at Lexa’s presence. Lexa ached to reach out and touch her. To hold her hand. To snuggle her. Hold her close to her erratic beating heart. To reassure her that she was there. But she didn’t know if it would make anything better or just only make it worse. She stood there, staring down at the girl facing her. And she was desperate. 

“I don’t deserve whatever you give to me,” Clarke sniffled. 

Lexa dropped down to her knees so she was at eye level with the blonde. Clarke could see the apparent worry and love in Lexa’s gaze and it made everything hurt even more. That was also something she was incapable of; love. She knew she felt it. She just couldn’t ever get it right. It always ended in sadness and broken hearts. It was either the other person ended up hurt, or she did, or both. She was scared. She was tired. 

“That’s not true, Clarke.” Lexa ran her hand over Clarke’s cheek softly and brushed a fallen hair behind her ear. 

“It is.” 

The crack in Clarke’s voice only resembled the cracking in Lexa’s achy heart. She had to find a way to make it okay again. She just had to. 

“No,” Lexa shook her head. “You deserve everything I give to you and much more. You are worthy of such good things. You’re worthy of love, Clarke. Sometimes you just have to trust in certain things. Trust in me.” 

“I can’t fall for you,” Clarke squeezed her eyes shut. “I can’t. I have a bad brain. You’re too good for me, Lexa Woods. I don’t even deserve to know you.” 

Lexa’s throat went dry at her words. She swallowed thickly and tried to pretend the words didn’t hurt. It wasn’t about her right then.

“I’m just a person Clarke. I’m just like you. Please do not put me on a pedestal when you fail to even see your own worth. I have bad stuff in my head too. I struggle too. I am no better than any of those homeless men that sleep on the road in the rain. Or the people that work at grocery stores. I am no better than you. You are such a beautiful and kind soul, Clarke. And truth be told, it’s been a little over a month I’ve known you, but I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you.” 

Clarke gasped at Lexa’s confession as tears freely fell down her cheeks from her wide blue raspberry eyes. She couldn’t speak. Lexa kept going. 

“And I’ve fallen for you. I know you haven’t for me and that’s okay. That doesn’t make me love you or care for you any less. Maybe someday you’ll feel the same. And if you don’t, that’s life. You won’t ever lose me.” 

Clarke closed her eyes and gulped hard. Lexa’s words always affected her in such ways she never could express. It was a fucking wonder. 

“Time,” Clarke nodded. “Time is everything. I’m just scared I’ll fuck it up. I’ll mess it up and I’ll run away and I can’t imagine doing that to you. Not you.” 

“Then don’t,” Lexa said softly, still caressing Clarke’s cheek. “Just stick around. Let your feelings bloom. Let your happiness bloom. You may have met people who have disobeyed your trust and broke it. People who don’t really care or care for themselves more. That’s not the case with me. You’ll see that more and more. You will be taken care of, Clarke. I will make sure of it. I’m always here for you and I won’t let you shatter this time. Don’t be scared because whatever this is, is real. I am real. And I’m yours even if you aren’t mine.” 

Clarke was in awe over how beautiful the human being before her was. Lexa Woods was a rarity on her own and she didn’t know how life could be so cruel one minute then so wonderful the next by gifting Lexa to her. It was a real wonder. Clarke was overwhelmed to say the least, but she was filled with adoration for the woman that saved her life. Looking into those forest green eyes, just like she knew day was day and night was night, that she could trust Lexa. Lexa was going to change her life. She already has. It’s going to be a continuous thing. And Clarke wanted to let her. 

“Okay,” Clarke sighed.

Lexa’s hand slid off of Clarke’s cheek and Clarke felt herself missing the touch. It was beginning already. Her feelings. Lexa rested her hand on the mattress near Clarke’s, but didn’t touch. So Clarke slid her hand into Lexa’s warm one and marveled in the zapping connection that ran through their hands where they touched. It had always been like that. Beautifully electrifying. 

“So, I know we just discussed it and everything, but um,” Lexa hesitated and tried to find the right words. Clarke felt herself grinning for the first time in days.

“Could I maybe, uh, kiss you?” Lexa worried her lip. 

“From this point on, always kiss me. Never ask.” 

Lexa was delighted with Clarke’s answer. 

Lexa leaned forward and lightly touched her lips to Clarke’s. They barely separated before Clarke leaned in more and deepened it. The kiss was tender and slow. Clarke was tingling all over and Lexa’s heart was due to burst any moment. They were content like that for a while, kissing until their lips were swollen. Lexa ended up beside Clarke in her bed, holding Clarke close, their hands never having separated. Their breathing sped up but it was nothing more than a passionate kiss. 

Detaching, Lexa opened her eyes to Clarke’s tired ones. Her tears had dried and she had a lazy smile on her face. It was a beautiful sight. It struck Lexa hard in the chest when she realized she wouldn’t mind waking up to that content smile every morning. She was getting ahead of herself, but for the life of her she just couldn’t help it.

“Anya and her mother wanted to know if you’d like to come to the beach with us,” Lexa whispered. Clarke let out a content sigh and wiped at her tear stained cheeks. 

“I’ll go,” Clarke nodded. “I just need to shower, is that okay?” 

“Of course. Take your time.” 

They didn’t get out of bed until ten minutes later after some more kissing and long minutes of just staring into each other’s eyes. If Anya had witnessed it, Anya would definitely call Lexa the gayest little mouse there was. Maybe Lexa would agree that time. 

 

/////////////////////////////////////

 

Indra welcomed Clarke with a hug. Something that came off as a bit of a surprise to both Anya and Lexa. But Clarke was going to take it. And really, she remembered what Lexa had told her about Indra being like another mom to her. So Clarke wanted Indra to like her. It was practically like meeting Lexa’s parents. It had to be good. 

It was. Indra was interested in Clarke’ ability to create art. She marveled over Aden’s artistic ability and said it was a beautiful talent to have in such a grimy world. Clarke couldn’t help but agree. 

She hadn’t told Lexa, but the beach was one of her favorite places to be. She loved the feeling of the warm sand around her toes, and the sun beating down on her back But most of all, she loved running through the waves, getting lost in them. Being dragged away only to be pushed back. She loved the smell of the sea water and she liked that it was cold enough to make her feel something other than internal misery. She loved the water. She loved it all. 

When they arrived, they parked in the parking lot where a couple of other cars sat. The temperature was considerably high for the beginning of January. But Lexa said it probably wasn’t best for anyone to go into the water since it might be too cold. Clarke, of course, was going to do it anyway. 

Lexa stripped her clothes and revealed a beautiful green two piece with little pineapples on it. Anya wore a barely there black bikini and Indra wore a red velvet one piece. They all looked like goddesses. Clarke looked down at her simple blue two piece and felt a hole in her chest. She never thought her body looked bad. In fact, she quite liked it. But standing next to women with bodies like that, made Clarke wonder why she saw herself any different. Society probably. 

They set up towels and an umbrella and applied sunscreen. Lexa asked Clarke to lather it on her back and the blonde was happy to oblige. Anya mocked a lovesick teenager and fanned herself. Lexa flipped her off. Indra just chuckled at their antics. Lexa even put on Clarke’s sunscreen and made sure not an inch of skin was left unattended. Clarke had fairer skin and was more likely to sunburn. 

They were all sunbathing when Anya sauntered to the beach bar because she claimed to be getting heart eyes from the hot bartender lady. Indra shook her head with a grin and eyed Clarke and Lexa. They were lost in conversation and Indra could see just how much Clarke’s presence affected Lexa. It was a beautiful thing. She just hoped Lexa wouldn’t get hurt. Lexa’s been hurt too many times to count in her life. She was still the strong girl she had always been. 

“Where are you going?” Lexa asked with a raised eyebrow as Clarke jogged to the shore. 

“Diving.” 

“Clarke, no,” Lexa stood up. “It’s really cold in there. And it’s dangerous.” 

“Nah it’ll be fine,” Clarke waved her off and dove into the water. 

Lexa plopped down on her towel next to Indra and wrung her hands together. She was a worry wart. She couldn’t help it. She was dubbed the mom friend between her and Anya. Between her and anyone, really. She just wanted to be safe and the waves were not a profit of safe and sound. 

“Calm down, Lexa,” Indra chuckled and pulled Lexa’s hands apart. 

“The ocean is not a safe place, Indra.” 

“Well I highly doubt she’s going to try to swim to France.” 

Indra’s chuckles made Lexa grumble in annoyance. She had every right to be worried. Didn’t she?

“Clarke, come on!” Lexa hollered. “Let’s go eat or something.” 

“Why don’t you join me, Lex?” the blonde shouted from her tumbling in the water. 

The nickname caused fireworks to erupt in her tummy. 

“No thank you, the ocean is not my thing.” 

Clarke shrugged. “Suit yourself!” 

To be fair, Clarke did look quite ethereal there in the water. She looked as if she were in her element. She looked relaxed. Really, Lexa couldn’t understand how anyone could be relaxed when they could potentially be carried out to sea by a large wave, but she’d take it. She loved seeing Clarke look so happy and content. Lexa was sure she probably couldn’t even make Clarke feel like that.

“You love her don’t you?” Indra asked as she stared Lexa down.

Lexa glanced at her mother figure, biting her lip. She didn’t respond. 

Lexa watched as a sudden large wave crashed over Clarke’s head and gulped her down into its wet salty stomach. Lexa’s blood ran cold and her heart dropped. She stood up faster than she could blink, and felt her head go dizzy. The blonde still hadn’t popped up to the surface. 

“Clarke!” Lexa shrieked. 

Before she could start to run to her, Clarke popped up with wet dark blonde hair matted to her head and a grin on her face. Her eyelashes were dripping water and her skin was red. Not from the sun. From the harsh slap of cold water. 

“It’s fun, Lex!” Clarke protested. 

Lexa settled her hand over her wild heart and willed it to calm. Clarke was going to be the death of her. She plopped back down onto her towel and rubbed her temples. 

“What’s wrong with her,” Anya asked as she sat beside Indra, sipping a fruity cocktail. 

“She’s just fretting over the girl she loves. You pay for that drink?” 

Anya pulled a slip of paper from her jean jacket pocket and wagged her eyebrows. 

“I got her number and a free drink.” 

“You’re definitely my daughter,” Indra high fived Anya and accepted an offered sip of the drink. 

“You’re definitely an ass,” Lexa remarked from where she sat, still trying to get her dizziness to go away. 

“Oh, don’t worry, Mother Hen,” Indra chuckled. “You’re definitely my daughter too. My caring, lovesick daughter.” 

Lexa glanced to Clarke whom still pranced around happily through the waves. She was lovesick alright. More than that, she was lucky. And eternally screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this chapter's length. Diving into the ocean isn't all Clarke's going to be doing. She'll be diving more and more into her past as well as Lexa's very soon. Falling in love can be difficult and messy and sometimes it can hurt. Sometimes you wonder if you're worth it at all for your partner. And really, that's something that Clarke and Lexa share in this story. The matter of deserving and worth and if it's all real. I hope it is. Comments and Kudos make my heart a little more happy to beat and I love knowing what you guys think. Thanks for sticking with me through this journey. It captures some of my own life and struggles as well. Much love to you. I hope you enjoyed reading and the next chap will be up soon.
> 
> -Kay


	7. Ignite Your Bones

Clarke came home from work smelling like warm syrup and coffee grains. Lexa wouldn’t be home for another hour or so, and Clarke missed her terribly. She was done trying to deny it. There was no use. Especially when Lexa came home most night, kissed her on the cheek and made dinner with her. Not when she slept in Lexa’s bed instead of her own. Not when she looked for those green eyes everywhere. Not when she was this happy. 

Other than constantly smelling like pancakes and hipster sweaters, Clarke was starting to faintly smell like Lexa too. Like warm peaches and chocolate and pine trees and flowery earth. Lexa once told her after a long day of work, settling into bed and snuggling Clarke from behind, that she imagined if she could scratch the moon’s craters with her fingernail, she’d imagine it’d smell exactly like Clarke. Absolutely cosmic and warm with a hint of strawberry and lemon drops. That of course, was after she washed away the diner’s scent in a long shower. 

Clarke kicked her boots off by the door and made her way down the hall. She thunked her bag to the living room floor then swayed to the soft music that Lexa had left on before leaving for work earlier that morning. Some soft jazz because Lexa knew how much it calmed Clarke. Billie Holiday’s voice filtered through the living space as Clarke padded into the kitchen and opened the fridge. Lexa had gotten Clarke the chocolate pudding she loved. She grinned heartily and snatched it out of the cold storage before letting the door close shut. 

It’s not that the house was lonely without Lexa. Except, that’s exactly what it was. It was a pretty decent sized house. It wasn’t small by any means, but it also wasn’t entirely too big for just two people to live in. Clarke didn’t mind it. In fact, Lexa made it as homy as possible, and Clarke felt more and more that this place was hers too. She felt herself feeling less and less guilty or sad or sleepy. Lexa gave her motivation she hadn’t had in years. It was startling at first, but Clarke learned to be grateful for it all. To be grateful for the hotshot CEO that saved her life. Who fell in love with her meanwhile. Who didn’t force her to feel anything back. But good god, Clarke was beginning to. She was falling for Lexa Woods just as she thought she never could. 

Clarke marched up the stairs and disappeared down the far left hallway where her art room resigned. She entered and left the door open, not liking to be closed in. She sat on her old stool and marvelled at the familiar squeak it made under her weight. She had been drawing and painting more and more these days and she was starting to get her spark. Lexa was the one to ignite it primarily just by setting up Clarke’s own space. It was something Clarke would never stop being thankful for. She was pretty sure she wouldn’t forget about this for as long as she lived. 

Clarke picked up one of her new paintbrushes and it dipped it in the shiny new paint. It was such a satisfying feeling for the blonde to dip the tip of the brush in the undisturbed pain jar, watching its pristine and untouched surface get dug into and changed. She swirled around until the surface had tracks from the brush and she pulled the green matted brush out with a calm sigh. She was going to blend colors until she could find the right shade. She’d been working on that for the past four days. She raised her wrist up to the canvas and let the paint glide against the empty white, then over the multitude of greens she had blended the day before. She made a streak of dark green on the white. Dipped the brush into a cup of water. Opened a different jar of green and added it to the previous green on the canvas. It still didn’t look right. 

She spent an hour working with a palette of different greens, mixing and even shading. She was starting to feel like the color she wanted to paint only existed in the depths of Lexa’s eyes and she huffed in a pout, staring at the canvas of smeared greens. It really looked like she smeared peas all over it and called it art. She wasn’t looking to create a masterpiece right then anyway. 

She jolted only a little when she felt warm arms slip around her waist. She smiled against the lips pressed chastely to her cheek and leaned back into the warmth of the woman she lived with. Lexa rested her chin on Clarke’s shoulder and eyed the painting before them. She smiled warmly and pressed her face into Clarke’s neck, inhaling her natural scent. 

“I call it the ‘Eat Your Greens Massacre’,” Clarke chuckled sarcastically. She felt Lexa laughing softly against her back and she felt so damn happy the woman was home. 

“Let’s hang it up in the living room,” Lexa said as she traveled her hands down Clarke’s tummy and to the tops of her thighs. She kissed hotly at Clarke’s neck and tried her hardest not to smirk smugly at the small noises Clarke was making. 

“Mmm it’s just a shade experimentation. Not worthy enough for our walls.” 

“I beg to differ.” 

“Beg harder.” 

“Maybe I will.” 

Clarke turned her head an inch and they were kissing. Lexa’s lips moved over Clarke’s lips expertly and Clarke thought to herself that there was no better kisser on this earth on Lexa Woods. She knew just how to work Clarke up and make her heart turn to ooze all in one kiss. It was electrifying. 

“Do you wanna dancing?” Lexa breathed out when they detached. 

“You? Dancing?” Clarke chuckled. 

“The club,” Lexa rolled her eyes. “Let’s go out. We’ve been working all week. Might as well unwind.”

Clarke could think of better ways to unwind. 

“Yeah. Yeah, let’s do it.” 

So they got ready. Clarke showered off the smell of the diner, Lexa showered away office collected perfume and cologne from her colleagues. Clarke curled her hair, Lexa slipped into a green dress. Clarke came out of her room looking stunning in a blue fitted dress and Lexa nearly choked on her own tongue. Clarke’s cleavage was supple and undeniable, and her hips created shapely hills against the night blue of her dress. Her azure eyes were winged with liquid black eyeliner and her natural wavy curls fell just over her breasts enough to leave Lexa to her imagination, but also showed enough to make Lexa physically melt and drool. 

But Clarke was at a heated pulse just up her dress at the sight of Lexa in that short pencil skirt dress that made her big green eyes pop. It was glittering, making her eyes glisten against her long eyelashes and brought out the small natural pink blush on her cheeks. Lexa truly was a beautiful sight. Clarke never wanted to stop looking at her, but she also wanted to close her eyes at the desire to get under that dress. To feel her skin. Clarke wondered what Lexa tasted like. 

Lexa was still ogling Clarke as if she wanted to kiss her affectionately and jump on her all at once. 

Clarke loved it. It was satisfying. 

Clarke rolled her eyes lovingly and took the CEO’s hand. 

“Let’s go unwind.” 

 

/////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

(STOP READING QUICK - If you can, listen to the song ‘In The Air Tonight’ by Phil Collins right now. You may continue reading whilst listening). 

 

The club’s interior was practically shining in black light. People danced sloppily as alcohol ran through their veins and made their limbs heavy. One woman was being pulled by two drunk women, one tugging her left arm, the other pulling her right. Another drunk woman walked up and joined the tug of war, grabbed the woman’s leg and pulled with all of her might. It reminded Clarke of the women that got slaughtered by being torn apart in the book she read in her senior year of high school, called Candide. Only less bloody and frightening, and the situation before her wouldn’t end in painful death. 

Lexa twined her hand with Clarke’s and lead her to the bar where a lonely old man sat at one end. Clarke and Lexa sat on the other end where the bartender cleaned shot glasses with a dirty rag. 

“What’ll you have?” she asked nonchalantly without barely even stealing a glance to them. 

“I actually think I don’t want to drink too much tonight,” Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes wondering if she would catch onto her reasoning. 

Lexa bit her lip and nodded. She watched as Clarke’s eyes dilated, and she was sure her own eyes were mirroring them. 

“What about just one for the hell of it?” Lexa suggested with a casual shrug. 

Well, one shot certainly wouldn’t get them shitfaced. Clarke nodded. 

“Sure, why not?” 

Lexa ordered them both a shot of whiskey that glittered as it sloshed in the glass. It looked like a smooth sunset of some land made of maple dirt. 

“Here’s to unwinding,” Clarke lifted her shot glass. 

Lexa clanked her glass against Clarke’s and ignored the stream of whiskey that jumped out and dripped down her arm. Clarke witnessed it as she gulped the whiskey that so deliciously burned as it went down her throat. She wanted to lick it off of her. She wanted to do many things to Lexa. She wanted to please her. To be so close to her that they became one. 

This feeling had been there for Clarke for a long while. Each time Lexa kissed her, it stemmed more and more in the pit of Clarke’s tummy. Each time Lexa gripped her hips, she wanted to push Lexa to a wall and kiss all over her body. Whenever Lexa’s lips cascaded over her neck and left faint marks, Clarke wanted to pin her to the bed and mark her until she was writhing beneath her. These feeling grew more each day and they rooted deeper and deeper inside of her until they were lit on fire and she felt the desire so strongly, she could compare her tummy and thighs to a burning building. 

Lexa was no stranger to that feeling. In fact, she felt the exact same way about Clarke. She just didn’t want to rush her, or make Clarke feel uncomfortable. Lexa couldn’t bare it if she ever hurt Clarke, even if it was unintentionally. So yes, she had been careful lately. When things had gotten hot and heavy when she came home from work every night, and had Clarke pinned to the kitchen counter by her own hips, Lexa would stop it by slowing down the kiss to an affectionate liplock. And on their shared days off of making out on the couch, when her hands would wonder too far, she’d pull them away fast and settle them somewhere safe like Clarke’s hips or cheeks. It isn’t because she felt Clarke wasn’t liking it. By her noises, she could tell Clarke enjoyed it very much. She just didn’t want to rush Clarke into anything she wasn’t potentially ready for. But god, Lexa was ready. And with the signs Clarke had been sending her lately, she thought Clarke might have been too. But she had to be completely sure before taking that step. She would always take in Clarke’s feelings and needs first before she gave in to any of her own fiery desires. 

“So how was work?” Lexa asked in a throaty husk after swigging the amber liquid. 

Clarke smiled at her awkward bean. Her caring, loving, generous, kind, beautiful, awkward bean. 

“It was the usual. Murphy dropped a whole carton of eggs today though. That was fun to watch. It was also fun watching him curse under his breath when he had to clean it up.”

“Murphy’s a strange one isn’t he?” Lexa smirked. 

“Murphy’s an ass. Big difference there,” Clarke rolled her eyes and sipped the last drop that still clung stubbornly at the bottom of her glass. 

“He gets to see you more than I do,” Lexa fake pouted. 

Clarke giggled and leaned forward, not missing Lexa’s eyes momentarily diving to her cleavage before locking to her eyes. 

“We have all night. And then we have three days off together. And I’d rather be in your company all day than his.” 

“Mmm,” Lexa hummed. “Looks like your wish is granted.” 

“Looks like it is.” 

They were inches apart. The pent up sexual tension was radiating off of them and making the boiling dance club even hotter. Lexa was sure she would jump on Clarke if they kissed right then and there. She wanted to be consumed by Clarke until she could feel every inch of her. Memorize her like a masterpiece selfishly kept to herself. 

Their lips barely touched before Lexa hopped off the barstool and grabbed Clarke’s hand. Clarke felt as if she had been rudely awakened from a daze. Reluctantly awoken from a wonderful dream.

“Come on. I love this song,” Lexa smirked at the devastated look on Clarke’s face from being denied a heavy makeout session. But Lexa was going to more than make up for it. 

Clarke followed Lexa into the sea of sweaty dancing bodies, and grinned when they stopped in the middle of the dance floor. Lexa ran her hands down Clarke’s sides and rested them on her hips, the music was slow at first, slow and sexy. Their bodies touched, and their skin had bouncing sparks jumping from their pores onto each other, never fizzing out. Not even an inch separated their bodies as they swayed to the slow beat and stared hungrily into one another’s eyes. 

Then, the beat sped up. Lexa wrapped her arm around Clarke’s lower back and pulled her impossibly closer as they moved to the beat. Everyone else around them disappeared into glowing blue and red blurs. Clarke was studying Lexa as their hips moved and their bodies slackened at the feeling of blissful want. They didn’t even have to drink to feel drunk. They were taking shots of each other. Inhaling one another as they pushed and pulled against each other. They were in an unbreakable trance. It was unlike anything Clarke had ever experienced. Lexa didn’t know anything like this existed. 

Blonde hair fell over Clarke’s shoulders, cascading down her back, as she tipped her head back and got lost in the moment. Lights flashed against the black of her closed eyelids and her mouth hung open. Lexa leaned in and gave in to her desire to lick a stripe over the expanse of Clarke’s exposed neck. The taste of salty sweet strawberries and whiskey overlapped and mixed on her tongue and she groaned. Clarke moaned and threaded her fingers through Lexa’s hair, keeping her close. Their hips knocked together, and they were tangled in each other. 

Lexa mouthed at the skin of Clarke’s neck hungrily. She captured the pale skin between her lips and sucked whilst swirling her tongue over it endlessly. Clarke gasped, bucked her hips, pushing them further into Lexa’s. She tightened her grip on Lexa’s hair, and scratched harmlessly at her the exposed top of Lexa’s back, just above the seam of her dress. Their heads were both foggy in the mist of lust and the beat of the song was beginning to fade away into another song. A less passionate rap song about hoes jumping on dicks and dudes stacking money. 

Removing her lips from Clarke’s neck, Lexa appreciated the deep, large red mark she left on Clarke’s fair skin. She brushed over it with her index finger and felt Clarke shiver. She looked up at her then, and gasped. Clarke’s eyes were almost entirely eaten up by her pupil. Lexa’s stomach was an inferno.   
“Wanna get out of here?” Clarke asked, whispering in Lexa’s ear.

Lexa nodded vigorously. There was nothing she wanted more. 

They walked out of the front doors of the club, and Lexa pushed Clarke against the brick wall under a pink neon sign that read “What’s Your Poison?” with ice cubes in a glass. Clarke gripped at Lexa’s upper arms, then her shoulders, then her back. Her hips were pushing into Lexa’s consistently and the friction wasn’t even close enough to quell the throbbing between her legs. 

“Lex..” Clarke mumbled through a moan. 

“Yes, love?” Lexa asked as she sucked a kiss against Clarke’s collarbone. 

“Take me home. Take me to bed.” 

The way back to Lexa’s car and the car ride home was an absolute and total blur beneath their raging lust and hormones. They simply wanted each other affectionately, purely, rawly. The important thing is, Clarke knows she wants to make love to Lexa. She wants Lexa to make love to her. She knows it plain as day. She’s ready. Through the storm in her mind, she see’s Lexa on the other side. Waiting. Loving her. Never leaving. So that’s what Clarke was going to do, if not for herself, for Lexa. March through the storm and meet her on the other side. 

The christmas lights were still hung up in the living room. They had left them on before leaving the house earlier. Their bodies danced and tangled as they made their way through the living room, kissing and grabbing at each other as if they let go, the other would disappear. The colorful lights of red, blue, green, orange, and yellow melted over their bodies. They were a living painting of desire. 

When they reached the staircase, Clarke’s ankles hit the back of the first step. With a low grumble, Lexa hefted Clarke up, and Clarke happily wrapped her legs around Lexa’s thin, yet muscular waist. Lexa gripped Clarke’s backside and revelled in the small moan Clarke let out at the sensation. Marching up the stairs, the girls collided lips once more and didn’t detach until Lexa dropped Clarke softly to the bed. The blonde bounced, as well as her perfect cleavage. Lexa licked her lips at the sight, and Clarke’s chest heaved. 

Lexa wanted to rip the dress right off of Clarke’s body and devour her right there and then. But this was their first time. And she wanted to make sure Clarke really wanted it. She wanted to make sure it was perfect. So, with shaky hands, Lexa reached behind her back and unzipped her dress. The sound hit the air and it could’ve been louder than a police siren. Lexa shrugged the offending item off of her shoulders and slid it down her sides, over her wide curvaceous hips, and down her legs. The material pooled on the floor around her feet, and the cool air hit her at full force, giving her goosebumps. Lexa stepped out of it and took another step toward the bed. 

Clarke reached out to her, want apparent in her eyes as she took in Lexa’s body. Her breasts were plump and perky and looked delicious enough to taste for hours. Clarke had never wanted to place her lips on anything more. That was before Lexa gripped the hem of her gray panties and slid them down her legs, slowly, achingly. Between Lexa’s legs was a dripping core that Clarke desperately wanted to drink from. She wanted to taste her. To explore her folds with her tongue and pleasure her. She wanted to bury her head between Lexa’s legs all night long. 

That was her decision when Lexa climbed on top of her and began kissing her collarbone. Clarke closed her eyes in bliss and let her lips purr out a moan. She dug her hands into Lexa’s hair and scratched at her scalp, only causing Lexa’s lips to move to her lips once more. Lexa traced the angry red mark she left at the club, and flicked it with her tongue. Clarke’s hips jumped. Lexa smirked at Clarke’s reaction and tried to will her heart to slow down. There was no way that was going to happen anytime soon. If anything, it was only going to get faster and faster until she was sure it was going to jump out of her chest. She could feel Clarke’s own erratic pulse under her lips. She kissed it softly. Then, wanting to feel their heartbeats sink into each other, she rested her breasts down onto Clarke’s clothed ones. She could feel Clarke’s heart thumping madly against her breasts, making them jolt. Lexa moaned softly and bit into the soft skin of Clarke’s neck. 

As fast as Lexa could form a thought, Clarke had switched them around until Clarke was the one on top of Lexa, straddling her. Lexa looked up at Clarke in awe. Her eyes were wide and her bare chest was heaving. She was properly beautiful. The moonlight filtering through the diamond wall on the left casted patterns of cookie cutter moon shadows on Lexa’s skin and made her look more delictable than before. Clarke wanted to bare herself to Lexa. She wanted to feel Lea everywhere. She’s felt her in her chest for the past few months. She wanted to feel her everywhere on her body. She wanted Lexa in every single way a person could want another person. 

She took Lexa’s hands and placed them on her back where her own zipper was. Lexa took the hint and tugged the zipper down until the front began to collapse and fall open, revealing Clarke’s supple heavy breasts. Clarke shrugged the rest of the dress off of her body and threw it across the room. It could disappear forever and neither would care. Lexa’s mouth dropped open at the surprise Clarke saved for her. She hadn’t been wearing any underwear. 

Lexa’s hands travelled up Clarke’s hot skin, over her tummy, up her ribs and slowly landed on her breasts. Both of them moaned at the feeling. Lexa squeezed the large fleshy spheres and groaned at the softness of them in her palms. She rubbed her hands flat over the entirety of her chest as if she were examining every inch of them, feeling, looking. She wanted to imprint the moment into her mind. Burn it there so it would never go away. 

Clarke’s nipples stiffened under Lexa’s palms, and her breathing became more ragged. Lexa took a nipple between her thumb and index finger and pinched it lightly causing Clarke to throw her head back in ecstacy. Her moan was loud and it rumbled through her body, all the way down to her core. Lexa could feel it in her own hips. She pinched the other nippled then, and began to softly twist them. Clarke was whimpering between heaving breaths and Lexa was beginning to make her own sounds at the pleasure of seeing Clarke feel so good. Lexa sat up and looked Clarke in the eye before closing her lips around a pert rosy nipple.   
“Lexa!” Clarke moaned and pushed her hips hard against her. 

“Mmmm,” Lexa groaned back and began to suck on the stiff nipple whilst swirling her tongue around it. 

Clarke was seeing stars. She was pretty sure she could come if Lexa kept doing that to her. But she wanted more than anything to feel Lexa inside of her, working her up, stroking her walls deliciously with those beautiful long fingers, rubbing her clit just the right way. 

Clarke took Lexa’s other hand off of her breast and slowly inched it down to her mound. Lexa stiffened momentarily and let go of Clarke’s nipple with a small pop.   
“Clarke,” Lexa sighed. 

“I want you inside of me, Lex,” Clarke whined and nudged Lexa’s hand down further.

“Are you sure? Because we don’t have to, Clarke. Don’t ever feel like you have to, because I don’t expect anything and if you’re not ready I -” 

Clarke cut Lexa off mid sentence by kissing her softly. It wasn’t as passionate and hot as the previous kisses they had just shared. It was a kiss of reassurance. It was a kiss that made Lexa’s knees weak and her heart ache. 

“Lexa, baby, if you don’t put your fingers inside of me right now, I think I’ll implode.” 

Lexa bit her lip at Clarke’s words. 

“Can’t have that can we?” Lexa husked.

“No, we defini- Ohhhh fuck, Lexa.” 

Lexa had slipped two fingers inside of Clarke, knuckle deep. 

Clarke started to move her hips and felt Lexa’s fingers slide in and out of her deliciously. Lexa leaned in and captured a nipple between her lips once more and began to suck. Clarke whimpered and moved faster. Her hips were thrashing against Lexa and she felt the pleasure roll through her entire body.

Just as Clarke had done previously, Lexa flipped them over and moved her fingers faster in Clarke, and examined Clarke’s face as it contorted beautifully into pleasure. Her mouth had dropped open once again as she huffed out short puffs of breath. Her whimpers and screams filled the room as Lexa drove into her. Lexa hadn’t ever been so turned on just by another person’s pleasure before. It was one of the most exotic and gorgeous things she had ever witnessed. 

“Fuck, Lexa.” 

“Does that feel good, baby?” Lexa moaned and worked her fingers harder and faster in Clarke. 

“Goddd, yes.” 

Lexa moved her thumb to Clarke’s clit and began rubbing small tight circles there. She could feel Clarke’s legs start to shake around her waist, and god, if she wasn’t dripping onto the mattress, she’d be surprised. 

“Oh god, Lexa don’t stop. Fuck, right there.” 

Just before Clarke felt herself diving over the edge, Lexa removed her thumb and stilled her fingers inside of Clarke. Clarke looked at Lexa incredulously as if she were insane, and in that moment, she nearly thought she was. But then Lexa kissed down Clarke’s body until she found the source. Clarke was dripping wet, hot and soft. Lexa waited for so long to taste her. She wasn’t going to miss the chance tonight. She licked a broad swipe over Clarke’s clit, and moaned at Clarke’s own cries of pleasure. She tasted sweet and tangy. Just as Lexa imagined. 

Lexa thrusted deep and fast into Clarke without warning and didn’t stop. Clarke’s head was reeling and her body was throbbing and she was thinking that this was most definitely the best sex she ever had. Caught in her thoughts and admirations of Lexa’s tongue, she barely registered Lexa’s lips sucking her clit into her mouth and flicking her tongue fast. Clarke came so fast, she felt as if her body snapped into stardust and she maybe was carried away to a spiritual world where pleasure coursed through her soul. Her legs violently shook and clamped around Lexa’s head, trapping her there. Lexa would gladly stay there all night long if she could. 

She brought Clarke down with soft little licks and cleaned her up with her tongue, collecting all of Clarke’s essence until there was barely any left. 

She should’ve known Clarke would push her onto her back and pleasure her right then and there. 

She kissed Lexa with every single thing she wanted to say but couldn’t. She kissed her until their tongues danced and she could taste herself on Lexa. She felt so good, she could cry. But, no. She wouldn’t. There wasn’t time for that. Not when Lexa just took her to heaven and back with her tongue and fingers. She wanted to fuck Lexa until she came screaming her name. 

Clarke hadn’t even thought about it, she was acting on instinct. She had two of her fingers pumping inside of Lexa and her tongue massaging her clit before she knew it. Lexa was gripping the sheets in one hand and Clarke’s hair in the other. Her head was thrown back, giving Clarke an amazing view of that perfect jawline and those beautiful collar bones that protrude so wonderfully. 

“Clarke, please.” 

“Please what, baby?” Clarke hummed against her clit. The vibrations nearly made Lexa scream. 

“Fingers.. Another.. Three,” Lexa mumbled through her pleasurable haze. 

Clarke’s fingers were thick. There was no denying it. And Lexa wanted to have three of them inside of her. She wanted to be completely filled to the brim with Clarke. And Clarke just simply couldn’t say no. 

When she added a third finger, Lexa whined and moaned and cursed with each breath. 

“Fuck, Clarke. I’m so close.”

“Come for me, baby.” 

And two pumps later, Lexa’s legs were shaking to the point of numbness and her lungs were being worked as she heaved and screamed Clarke’s name. 

“Clarke! Ohh fuck.” 

She was being thrown into oblivion. Lexa always dreamed about space. Wondered if it was as beautiful as it looked from down on earth. And she thought maybe she figured it out. Because she was landing among the stars as the pleasure rippled through her core and ignited her bones. The inferno in her lower tummy roared, and her core was gushing into Clarke’s mouth. All of this, on a bed of stars. Clarke sent her to the stars. 

When she came down, she was numb. Her legs flopped to the sides and she was so tired, her eyelids were bricks. Clarke had kissed her way up Lexa’s body until she was curled into her and kissing her cheeks and her forehead and her nose. A hazy, satisfied smile worked itself onto Lexa’s face. Clarke couldn’t help but grow her own too. 

“Lex?” Clarke whispered and traced patterns on Lexa’s ribs. 

“Hmm?” 

“I could fall for you. I am.. Falling for you.” 

Lexa’s eyes popped open despite being under the sheen of heavy sex bliss. She stared into Clarke’s blue raspberry eyes and saw no hint of hesitation or fear. She only saw the truth, and the truth was so sweet, Lexa could be the one to cry this time. 

“I’m going to catch you. You won’t break this time.” Lexa assured her. 

Clarke kissed her lips chastely then looked into Lexa’s big green forest eyes once more. 

“I know you will. And I hope I’m not too heavy.” 

“Never.” 

Lexa scooped Clarke up in her arms and maneuvered them until their heads shared a pillow and they were tucked cozily under the blankets, wrapped in each other.   
Clarke fell asleep quickly with her head on Lexa’s chest. Lexa’s heartbeat turned out to be a soothing lullaby. 

Lexa stayed up a little later, soaking up the happiness she hadn’t truly felt in so long. She wanted to hold Clarke forever. She wanted to stand by her and help her get better. She wanted to show her just how good of a person she really was. Because Clarke didn’t consider herself that great. But she couldn’t see herself through Lexa’s eyes. She couldn’t see her own beautiful genuine smile when Lexa dolloped frosting on her nose when they made brownies. She couldn’t see how beautiful she looked whilst concentrated on art or taking someone’s order. She couldn’t see the way she looked at Lexa, and how it caused Lexa to completely forget about anything bad that has ever happened to her. Sure, Lexa had saved Clarke’s life and has been trying to help Clarke heal. 

But what Clarke also doesn’t know, is that she’s also causing Lexa to heal too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaanndd sappy lovely smut. I won't be able to update for about two weeks since exams are around the corner so I thought I'd leave ya to wait with a little smut. I hope you all enjoyed and I hope it was good. I'm extremely tired and sleep deprived so, if the smut isn't good, I apologize. There's many more to come in the fic. The next chapter is going to be coming as soon as I write it. I promise. Kudos and comments make my heart race with love and affection for you beautiful readers. Also, just gonna add, I love you Jess. I will always catch you. You're my baby and there's no one else I see. Everyone is a blur now that you're by my side. I love you so very much. Hope y'all enjoyed and the next chap should be here after my finals! - Kay


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